Run No. 1007

Date:               28 December 2001

Where:            Mount Sinai Crescent

Occasion:       Lion City’s Last Run of the Year

Hares:             Comes Alone

Members:       ask Frontarse

Guests:           16       

- Returnees:       0         

- Visitors :          7         

- Virgins :           1 (plus 1 dubious )

Comes Alone has been pretty busy this week – he set the Wednesday marathon from here. This time he decided to leave out all the nasty drains and, indeed, most of the run, so the whole thing totalled an anorexic 40 minutes. As he said afterwards, if he added both runs together they made perfect timing for two runs. Good logic, but didn’t cut much ice with the hash shit crowd.

Coo Chi Anus’s “older, uglier” sister was freshly returned from Oz and adding her idiosyncratic – er -  presence to the proceedings. Frontarse tried to call the hare in but Indianus was in that circle like a demented rabbit as she rushed over to Bloodshit and promptly put him on the ice for some infringement or other. (Had Boo gone home, then? – Ed.) Maybe she just couldn’t see him. After Bloodshit lowered himself gingerly, it was back to the verdict on the run and Comes Alone had to take his punishment in the circle. Apparently Ad Nauseam had sprinted to his car to retrieve the Hash Shit as soon as he arrived back at the run site. Everyone agreed that it was a good run but technically a Hash Shit as it came in under 45 minutes, but Comes Alone took it like a man – although, having said that, it’s normally the men who get all upset and wimpish when given the Shit. A blow to the fragile little ego and all that. But I digress.

Comes Alone announced the on on at the Seafood place on the corner of Clementi and Ulu Pandan, with beer priced at a horrendous $20 a jug.

Indy was still prowling in predatory fashion and pounced on An Nauseam and Captain Red Arrow who had been rattling on non-stop since the circle began. Bloodshit was ejected from the ice so these two could sit down.

Next Week’s run is set by Astronut and Poser from Pasir Ris Drive 1. The theme is “Life’s a Beach” so we’ve got to wear appropriate garb. The sight of seventy hashers running in towels should certainly scare a few of the natives.

“We have one virgin tonight - ” intoned Frontarse. “Indy, you’re up -” as in strode hunky Andy. Indy tried to persuade him that it was traditional for virgins to strip in the circle and proceeded to tug urgently at his shorts. Gamely, although plainly terrified of the randy auntie rending his garments, he allowed her to remove them, although he was well prepared, wearing boxers underneath. And Indy tried to remove these as he was struggling with his down down. Another one we won’t be seeing again, no doubt.

The ice was currently vacant and Foo Foo was gabbling away so he got the opportunity to flash his arse and cool his bits as Indy helped Andy back into his shorts, and taking rather too long a time doing it, But, as she says, she's not used to doing it that way round.

Visitors were Kate from Sydney, Captain Red Arrow, Bunny Humper from UK, and Fuzz Something from Seletar. Returnees Bouncer and Pink and Tight were welcomed back.

Indy had been out of the circle for all of twenty seconds and shoehorned her way back in to start off with the unwise sentence, “I’ve been away for five weeks now -” to huge cries of “Not long enough!”  “We want your sister!” etc etc. Indy struggled on through the barracking to announce that she was appalled to find out that in her absence her “older, uglier” sister – CCC asked, “Can we vote on this?” - had escaped from her padded cell at the loony bin and tried to impersonate Indy on the hash. Now she was going to show us what sis really looks like. Dragging Coo Chi Coo into the circle she proceeded to dress him in: 1) a sheet – regulation wear in the nuthatch; 2) a long black wig – her real colour apparently; 3) a pair of big red knickers instead of a G string; and 4) a pair of extremely unfuck me shoes. The surreal thing was that Coo Chi Coo now looked a dead ringer for Sybil. Well, Coo Chi Anus was about to be packed off to Woodbridge so he was appropriately tied up and straight jacketed – and then forced to do a down down – a bizarre sight watching this transvestite in bondage gear being force fed beer by the GMs. A jolly good thing the police didn’t come past at this point is all I can say.

Frontarse called for the Mystery Whip andf Stash sashayed into the circle. It looked like he was going to do his whip in charade fashion i.e. wordlessly – so he started gesturing away. At least it kept the circle quiet. We worked out that his charge had something to do with Comes Alone’s van. Then he called in Isobel.  She had attracted Stash’s attention through the window of the van, desperately semaphoring distress. Yes, she had managed to lock herself in the Babemobile. Various suggestions for a hash name ensued, most of them unprintable, and the baying mob eventually agreed on Shaggin’ Wagon. Lucky old Isobel. I wonder how she’ll explain that one to her mum.

He then called in Amy, who unknown to all has apparently been named Chicken Shit. He wanted to change her name as the dear girl had sent him a virus through email. I’m sure she would have preferred "Virus" as a name, anyway.

His third charge was for Faker, but she was on the phone at the time, which is an ice-able offence. Never backward incoming forward, she placed her perfect little bum on the ice to cries of delight from the slavering males. Stash pointed out that even though she was virtually a co-hare for the run since it went from her road, when everyone went on the grass by the canal she “short cut” through the condo alongside. Of course, thinking she had local knowledge, Stash and a load of other followed her, only to find themselves trapped in the confines of the condo facing a locked gate. They then had to clamber over it under the startled gaze of the residents.

And he noted that there have been too many GMs - both fake and real - in the circle recently, but he had to call in Frontarse and Indianus. She’s obviously forgotten how to hash. Frontarse turned round at a check and started to run back only to be flattened by steamroller Indy who was still barrelling forward, obviously having forgotten what “back check” means. Indy tried to justify herself by saying that in the wilds of Western Australia you don’t see anyone while you’re running so she’s got out of practice running with people. Down downs for both GMs.

Mystery Mystery Whip was Foo Foo. His linking theme was the way everyone drives badly in Singapore e.g. slowing down when passing something interesting – of late, fallen trees have been the distraction. Well, hashers are similarly useless. For instance, Ditch was leaping along calling on on when he was nowhere near the trail and patently on the wrong road. Indecent Exposure was dodging around like a fairy – changing lanes without indicating. And just when the trail was looking interesting as it went into the jungle, Frontarse misdirected the traffic by telling the pack to go back and thus forcing them to miss the best bit. Down downs for all the bad drivers.

Frontarse then came in to scold people for sitting in the circle. Offenders hastened to stand up but everyone started dropping their mates in it by telling on them. (Nice lot aren’t we? – Ed.) Those punished were Suzee Wong, Boo, Pink and Tight, Quickie, Mother Mary and Sybil. They all got nice big beers, courtesy of Astronut who was doing beer duty in the absence of Bagless.

Indianus now called for the Prick of the Week and Ayam Kampong rolled in to present it in the absence of Iron Crotch. It’s the super duper new one, with batteries this week, so all the ladies got to have a feel of it. Indianus started to look quite interested, although she confessed that it was smaller than what she is used to. Boo suggested that everyone likes a black one. “It’s maroon!” corrected Ayam Kampong. (Thanks. Mine’s a gin and tonic – Ed.) If you don’t get it, try saying, “It’s maroon!” in a Scottish accent. See? Oh never mind.

Indy interrupted at this point to say that everyone was getting far too noisy and someone had to go on the ice. “Now let me see -” she mused – before her eyes lit on Boo. No getting away from tradition, is there?

Back to the POW. Ayam Kampong finally decided that the first recipient of the new Prick had to be the Grand Mattress. Frontarse brought out the old one and there was a quick comparison – the old one is bigger but the new one works better etc etc. Indianus professed ignorance but then, she would, wouldn’t she?

And – finally - time for AOB. The ever-reliable Coo Chi Coo had a piece of advice for people in Singapore. If you’re going to stay out late on hash nights and end up in Anywhere, don’t tell your spouse. And don’t get caught cuddling up to a comely maiden such as No Good. Apparently, last week that’s exactly what happened to BA. The partner in question sailed into Anywhere, took one look at the situation, decked him with an uppercut, then grabbed him by the ear and hauled him out of there.

And Maxipad called in the GMs for missing out a Virgin – Daphne. There were huge calls for the ice, but they protested that she was not on the list – true, I have it here – so they just did down downs.

And on to the restaurant round the corner, and I believe some hardy souls ended up back at Faker and Shitstream's to continue the ongoing task of emptying the drinks cabinet. A hard job, but someone has to do it…

On On!

Black Widow

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