THE RUN   

We foregathered at meeting point no. 4 on Chestnut Avenue – an old favourite, or should it be ‘an old chestnut’? Again, hashers had thoughtfully parked their cars on both sides of the road as a deterrent to any outsiders foolish enough to venture into ‘our territory’. ‘Twas ever thus…

Typically of a run set by today’s hares, we set off in various directions from a chalk circle marked ‘On On’ and embellished with three equispaced arrows around the perimeter. Presumably this device is meant to encourage the vocal talents of the Front Running Bastards, and indeed only ten short minutes later parts of the pack had found the trail and were off and running to the tune of many a backward cast “On-on!!”.

The trail then went deceptively straightforward, taking the pack down to the water’s edge of Upper Pierce Reservoir. It was only after a while at the waterside that it began to become apparent that much of the trail had been seen only a few minutes earlier, along with a ‘helpful’ hare. I did not encounter a single member of the pack who was not rooked in this manner, to end up running round in a complete circle at least twice before breaking out in desperation. Presumably the stray hare had ‘clarified matters’ by putting up extra paper at the exit from the merry-go-round, having had his perverse bit of fun. Mind you, we always fall for this ruse, which in your scribe’s humble opinion is one of the most effective and entertaining on the Hash.

The rest was simple – over the dam, around the waterworks, and out onto the road. There was a loop at the end of the dam, but according to the visitor who was the only one zealous enough to try it out, it was not worth the effort, all the wit presumably having been exhausted on the first one. On the return path alongside the waterworks fence, about two minutes from Beer, your scribe’s knees and elbows had a bloody chance encounter with a small patch of broken stones, courtesy of a piece of rebar that is clearly deeply embedded in Singapore and – to judge by the fact that the end has been ground to a rounded point, would seem to have claimed a victim or two before me… ‘Twas never thus before! (You have been warned!)

CIRCLE REPORT

HARES: Sonny Ovesen and Little John

There was an inexplicable reluctance on the part of the Hash to form a circle. Do they really enjoy the pre-circle banter so much? It was left to our GM Armless to corral the misfits with a cry of “What did you think of the run?!”

Somebody shouted “Too many checks!” but was practically drowned out by the general hubbub, so nobody noticed the irony (except me of course, whose job it is to notice such things as irony). Armless, by now Hapless, resorted to a repetition of the question, but it proved futile, and the circle went straight to song. (They’re True Blue…)

ON-ON: Little John announced that this was to be at Karu’s: fishhead curry on a banana leaf. Somebody asked: “Is it nice?” Where do they get ‘em?

NEXT WEEK’S RUN: Hares were represented less than ably by Jackoff, who imparted to the circle the useful information that “The runsite will be announced…” Er, OK… I think the circle was too dumbstruck to give her an appropriate down-down. Good way of getting them to shut up, though.

VISITORS: A long list, this week, including one or two remnants from the Perth Interhash, who graced us with their inestimable presence: Greenpiss, It’s Too Big, Jingle Balls, Itsako, Steffan, Norwegian Biker, Smart Arse (Bristol), Any Fanny (also Bristol, is I’m not mistaken), Shaggy Dick, and finally, Susan. Thanks for your support, fellow bastards. However, the proceedings were interrupted by the passage of a stray van and a lorry. Their drivers now know why it is called a Hash, what with our idea of organised parking. After the fun, the much put-upon Armless was yet again required to shout for “Discipline!” and “Form a circle!!” (They are pisspots…) As our bemused visitors downed their beer they were treated to a small but voluble tirade from Boo: “Drain your beer and get out – that lorry will be back again in a minute!”

HARE WHIP: Scarcely had Armless called “Time for the Hare Whip!” than there was indeed another Traffic Break, as the lost lorry made its way through the circle again and down the road. Then Little John stepped up to take the floor.

Sadly, two of the intended chargees had left before the circle (Shame! They must have been the only ones to show some sense when parking, though, otherwise they’d never have made it away…) So the remaining one had to be good. According to Little John, New York sex therapists recommend the daily allocation of three minutes for a ‘bonk’. (Which bit? Must be Aussie-style foreplay – throw ‘er on ‘er back, mate!) He had been put in mind of this little nugget by the report of one of our number who had apparently failed to service his wife in spite of an unexpected opportunity to do so. Enter the circle the disappointed wife – Ugly Bum – and the clearly befuddled husband – Ad Nauseam. The story goes that he had arrived home early for the first time in years, and after a peremptory greeting, had disappeared and reappeared in short order dressed in his hash gear, ready for a less romantic style of on-on… (Here’s to Lovers, they’re true blue…)  Scribe’s note: if ever there were a case for “He’s the meanest…”, surely this is it?!

Enter the circle Armless to move the next round, but he dropped a sarcastic ‘Chinaman’ comment on the way, to judge by Boo’s call of “Try bending down!”.

MYSTERY WHIP: Coo Chee Coo.

Enter the first victim, GM Armless, clearly getting more than his fair share this evening. “Why didn’t we hold the circle in the space next to the road, instead of getting run over by lorries every five minutes?” The pathetic response was “Mosquitoes!” (He ought to be publicly…)

For repetitive complaints on the multiple circuits on the run, enter Shaggy Dick, who seems to have garnered sympathy from his fellow hashers, hence the song. (He’s true blue…)

Next an excerpt from our illustrious local press, on the recently ‘departed’ Mas Selamat. Police are still issuing information on how to identify the man responsible for more traffic jams than the Land Transport Authority, notably: ‘he has a limp in his left leg, more noticeable on walking quickly, running, or swimming’ [yeah, really!]. Scouting about the circle for any individual who could demonstrate swimming with a limp, he resorted to Armless (poor sod), who was reputed to be able to demonstrate a definitive example of a limp (dick). (Drink it down, down, down…)

MYSTERY MYSTERY WHIP: Circle Jerk.

Enter the circle Boo – what better choice?

CJ: “Where were you on Wednesday night?”

BCB: “Geylang.”

CJ: “I know you were. Business brisk?”

BCB: “Sure thing!”

Allegedly, at the time and place in question a man had been ‘run over’ by a car in the process of parking, and when the concerned driver got out to se if the man was OK – which he was – the man suggested that two hundred bucks would ensure that nothing would be reported. Shame!! The only further elucidation we got was from Boo: “No such thing! I was entertaining you!” Sounds like we need to keep a weather eye on these two…

Enter the circle Coo Chee Coo. Our friend was one of those who managed to make a third circuit of the waterside area, but there was apparently an ulterior motive behind this display of zeal: an unquenchable desire to get sight of Eleven’s bottle in its usual repository – for the uninitiated, this is that exquisite cleft between Eleven’s butt cheeks, to which your scribe is reluctantly called to draw your attention… Yet again… (We ought to be publicly pissed on…)

Enter the circle Not Tonight, having been overheard asking Eleven if her knickers were wet. Eh? Enter Eleven to put the other half of the case. Turns out, Not Tonight is Eleven’s ex-teacher from Nanyang Poly! So this is what the beleaguered Singaporean taxpayer’s money is going on in the education system? I’m glad we were told… (They are pisspots…)

PRICK OF THE WEEK: Jingle Balls made the presentation. I couldn’t work out whether that was because he is the current holder – odd, for a visitor – or just because it is a brand new Prick, complete with Balls attached. Equally mystifying was his award of the new accolade to another visitor, the sweet-natured Kiwi, Greenpiss. She was advised to “Use it wisely” and regaled with a song beloved of Kiwi’s – The Marseillaise! (Allons enfants de la Patrie…)

It was suspected by most that the award was made as a rather obvious pick-up line. However, one member drew a stunning conclusion from this. Enter Jackoff, with the wisdom: “If you wanna pick up a woman, don’t offer her a dick!” (Jackoff’s celebrating her own 5^th wedding anniversary with Slocum, and has evidently long since forgotten her maidenhood…) (Why was she born so beautiful?)

ANY OTHER BUSINESS:

Indecent Exposure made a short appearance, but I didn’t detect any meaningful utterance.

Knickerless declares that “the new blonde” is OK after a beer or two, finally coming to terms with the Ways of the Hash. It’s Too Big is too modest to point out that she runs regularly with the other Singapore Chapters, notably Sunday. Have another beer anyway, girl!

On On!

Kannot Kan

On-Back to Weekly Scribe Reports Index.

On-Back to Lion City HHH homepage.