Numbers: Members:  76 ran, Guests:  male 12, female 10,  Total 98

                    The Run

                     As seen by Knickerless

"Musings of a blonde on the Hash and historical treatise on the hidden ruins of MacRitchie forest"

Well, this run certainly was a trip down mammary memory lane for this scribe.  Had I been transported into a time warp?  Was someone playing a cruel trick on me?   These are the trails I am used to running along, and these are the people I am used to running with! But wait!  They are running in slow motion!  They have all dyed their hair!  They seem to be different shapes!  Aaarghhh!  What is happening!  Is it Alzheimer's?  Parkinson's?  Robinson's?  NO!  It's age!  They aren't running in slow motion, they just run like that!  And they haven't dyed their hair, it's just gone grey!  Oh but, hang on, yes, er, they ARE different shapes.  Well not different, just that everything seems lower than it should be.

But I digress ................. the hares deserve some congratulation for a lot of effort put into recceing and finding trails that many of us haven't run along for a while;  years even!  Well done hares for rediscovering what lies behind the "dark wall of trees" between the regular Macritchie trail and the path to the Japanese temple ........... more trees!  And more and more!!  On and on we plodded, this scribe as usual feeling guilty for holding everyone up.  "No worries" says ASTRONUT.  "Take your time", before losing patience and racing past, as, sigh, everyone does these days ............  Suddenly, everyone has gone.  The forest seems empty.  Plaintive cries come from behind me.  "Knickerleeeeeeeeesssssssssssss ................." calls INDECENT EXPOSURE, "are you still there?"  Not even waiting for an answer, she carries on gossiping to POSER, "Well I said to her, and she said to me, and then I said to her.........................." and so on.  Behind them stumbles STIFFY, desperately trying to catch up and hear what they are saying.

At long and lengthy last, we come to the split in the trail.  "Short" is indicated by an arrow out to the famous "three rocks" and home (after a mere 3 kilometres that is).   But hang on a minute Hares, since when did a normal length run become "Short"?  Are you forgetting your hashing upbringing?????  Anyway, to return to my story, the "normal" half of the run dichotomised off to the left along the traditional temple trail (slightly more overgrown than it used to be, I doubt I'll be going along it on my bike, as I have done in days of yore).

I have been told to mention at this point the lack of paper.  According to RUNNING SHIT, who always suffers major trauma whenever he does not, for some reason, however unwittingly, manage to run the whole trail, there was great confusion experienced at the Ranger Station where a number of runners found themselves running backwards (a feat that demands a considerable amount of muscular coordination might I add) along the in trail because "there wasn't enough flour" (please refer back to last week's run report).  DIM SUM and CHEEKY were amongst those similarly caught out.  Well, all I can say is, what were you doing on the short run anyway, guys??

Right, the temple..........  Syonan Jinja, as it was called, was a Shinto shrine that was built in 1942 by POWs, for the Japanese, who visited it by way of a wooden bridge across MacRitchie reservoir from the Island Club side, to commemorate the Emperor's birthday, the death of Japanese soldiers who died in the battle for Singapore and other important events.  Three temples were actually built, one at Fort Canning (now gone) and another at Lorong Sesuai, also well known to hashers.  A great mystery surrounding that particular one is why it was built in the form of a 100m tall red and white communications tower .................. but I digress again!!!  Now stop and think a minute.  That temple plus its bridge was built 66 years ago, thus more than one of our senior members could have been around to witness it in its full glory, despite its now Indiana-Jones-and-the-Temple of Doom - ish appearance and Heart-of-Darkness - like atmosphere.  Had they so wished of course and had their mummies and daddies let them.

As per usual the exit across the tongue of the reservoir (which is definitely deeper than it used to be) did its thing, with more than one hasher including SHOE SHOPPER falling foul of the booby trapped plank through the water.  How many runners stopped and paid a little tribute to the site of Lion City hash House Harriers run number 1 as they ran past it????  And show many of them were ON IT????   In those days of course there was no tower and one could drive in ........  Anyway I am sure TIGER LILY would have done, she always notices things.

After that it was a straight, and loooong, run in down the Sime Track and back to Venus Drive.

Well done hares, thanks as always for a great run and also for the T-shirt (VIBRATOR, you now won't have to do any laundry for a full year).

On on,

Knickerless XXX 

(graphics by Cock Radio)

The Circle

As seen by Running Shit & interpreted by Poser

What did we think of the Run? ~ A good run! 

Tell us about your On On? ~ Poolside of Thomson View Condo, 1A Bright Hill

Next Week’s Run ~ The 2^nd Annual “Boys of January” Run.  Hares ~ Phoney Dick, Croc-O’Shit, Ditch & Mafunktion.  Site: Swiss Club Road at the entrance to Turf Club Rd.

Virgins:  ~ Lindsey, Tristan, Roger, Fiona. Wow, that’s 4 more virgins at a wedding than normal!

Visitors ~   Sis, Dog Mount, Li Hua, Carl Smith, Vibrator, Dick Wanker, Knobby Boy Scout, Legless, Graham Saunders, Rosemary & Cristal.

Returnees~ Bagless, Land Lady, Kwee Jong, Karen Holland, Mouthful, Slip & Slide & Wee Willie.

New Members ~ Annie, Nick, Tracey, Sooch.  Welcome to LCHHH

Do we have a Hare Whip? ~  Yes, we do, Cherry Picker

·        On the trail, Shoe Shopper & Goody Bag walked a plank to avoid getting a swim across a canal.  They stayed close to the wall but still fell in.  Here’s to the wet T-shirt contenders for the breast stroke.

·        Although he is the next best thing to the Best Man; Groom, Circle Jerk knows nothing about Cherry Picker other than he is his co-hare.  CJ is compared to Running Sh*t (RS) as a co-hare.  RS ~ he only needs 1 recce & infinite wisdom to set a run; he is happy if his co-hare shows up at all; he runs the trail at 70kph & says that a recce lasts as long as it takes.  On the other hand, CJ is often too early on site & when CP calls, CJ is annoyingly surprised to hear from him??  Co-hareing with CJ means one needs a minimum of 7 recces utilising his super light aluminium bike, his brandnew GPS and other state-of-the-art navigational tools.  Give the hare-groom a drink!

·        To Eleven ~ for her noticeably zero participation on their run trail.

·        CP calls in Coo-Chi-Coo, Eleven & Circle Jerk.  It was recalled that CCC at the start of CJ & 11’s relationship played fortune teller in the Circle.  He predicted that CJ will marry 11 especially if there was no “water bottle-in-the-cum-crack” charge.  CCC also predicted that after they were married, it would be the last time that CJ got a blowjob from his girlfriend!  Here’s to the degenerades, they’re true blue ......

And now… it’s…. time…, for… the…. Mystery ... Whip: ~ C*nt Dracula

In, Rose Bird aka ex-hasher, Vietnam Rose (look-a-like Too Good).  It was reported in the Singapore Straits Times that her favourite form of exercise is a sport called, “mall walking”.  VR reports in her interview that she going strong at 54 yrs of age and is still working.  Most of us are in this position except Astronut (who retired at 47).

And now...it’s definitely time.....for...the ...Mystery Mystery Whip~ Handbag

Hand Bag then warns of the downside of alcohol abuse which could include side effects like dizziness, headache & nausea, vomiting & dehydration, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, dry mouth and a desire to sing karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare & Naked Twister.

Other WARNINGS on the consumption of alcohol described:

-        The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

-        The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

-        The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over & over again that you love them.

-        The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

-        The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4am in the morning!

-        The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex.

·        “How to be a good husband” guidelines were then given to the groom. 

·        For eg. If the wife demands that you take her somewhere expensive ... don’t take her to the petrol station.

·        While she looks in the mirror and mentions to you this: “I feel horrible, I look old, fat & ugly”, pacify her & pay her a real compliment.  Do not say, “Your eye sight’s damn near perfect!”

If ever money gets tight and the wife want to buy makeup while you want to buy beer with the last dollar, do not say, “The beer will definitely make you look better”.

Milestones ~ To Shoe Shopper, for 200 runs.

The Circle Jerk/11 Hash Wedding

The Cast: Hash Bishop (Phoney Dick); Groom (Circle Jerk); Best man (Cherry Picker); Bride (Eleven); Ladies-In-Waiting to dress the bride (Not Tonight/Loose Change); Bride’s father, Han Xian Sheng (Aye Aye); Translator (Gypsy); “Just Cause Or  Impediment” pregnant lady (Poser), Vestal virgins (Goody Bag & Co).

4 chairs are placed in the circle with 2 chairs facing each other.  The groom, his best man & 11’s father are seated.  The hash bishop (in his finery) makes a grand entrance to the cheers of the crowd.  The Circle sings the wedding march as the bride makes her entrance into the Circle and sits next to her father.

Hash bishop begins the introduction ... “Dearly beloved, We are gathered here in the sight of the Great Creator of Hashing and the members of this Circle here present to mark the union of 2 of our members in the woolly bond of hashtrimony.  This union has been developed & encouraged by the Lion City Hash to ensure an enduring state of happiness among its members.  If you can put up with hashing, you can put up with anything & anyone.

It is indeed pleasurable for me to return again to LCH where I presided over the union of several of its members.  Why, I myself was most pleased to have the union of myself & my wife sodomised, sorry solemnised, some 17 years ago by a wandering Rabbi named Gypsy.  I do believe I am right in saying that all those who have been privileged to have their onions constipated, eh.. sorry, unions consecrated through a hashtrimony ceremony, have been successful in resisting the temptations of the forbidden flesh.  I am sure that tonight’s candidates will be similarly chaste.

And so for the last time, I hereby publish the Banns of Marriage between Circle Jerk, bachelor of this parish and Eleven, spinster of the parish of Chengdu.  If any of you know just cause of impediment why these 2 should not be joined together in woolly hastrimony, you are to declare it now or forever hold your peace?”  [Poser enters the Circle dressed as an accusing pregnant lady].  [The bishop requests a quiet word with the Groom].

The groom asserts that on the night in questions, 8 months ago, you were both present at a foam party on Sentosa Island.  He further asserts that you were observed to be what is known colloquially as “pulling a train” and he was in the last carriage.  As such, he claims that he is unlikely to have fathered your unborn child.  In the absence of any DNA evidence, I therefore have to reject your claim & recommend that you seek refuge in the Cock Radio Home For Unmarried Mothers.  [Boo-hoo, Poser cries on look-a-like scribe, Running Sh*t’s shoulder].

Hash bishop than invites Mr Han Mee Tong (HMT) to say a few words on behalf of the bride’s family.  He speaks in Mandarin which is “translated” by Gypsy.  The sodomisation, sorry, solemnisation ceremony continues ...  Hash Bishop invites the bride Y groom to stand & come forward.

Bishop to HMT:   Who gives this woman for hash marriage?

HMT (in Mandarin):  I Do.

Circle Jerk, do you take 11 as your lawful wedded hash bride?  Do you promise to keep her in sickness & in health, not with standing dengue fever, melioidosis, chikungunya  & other hash related diseases?  Will you pay her hash dues promptly each quarter?  Will you continue to allow her to carry her water bottle in her butt crack?

Eleven, do you take CJ  as your lawful wedded hashband?  Will you help him when his latest technology GPS gizmo fails?  Will you support him when he gets lost in the jungle & arrange a taxi back to the run site?  Will you launder his hash clothes & clean his hash shoes each week?

With the power vested in me as hash bishop, I pronounce you Hashband & hashwife.  Those whom the Great Creator has drawn together, let no hasher put asunder.

Circle Jerk, you may kiss the hashbride and both will take the time-honoured Down-Down.  Here’s to the hashweds!

The Prick~ The Prick was not to be handled during the wedding ceremony, and was kept well out of sight of the Bride’s father!

A.O.B. Any Other Business ~                                                                                                                                         

1.     The GM called in Too Good for trying to be the navigator to the ON-On but she only made matters worse by giving wrong directions to the site.

2.     Wee Willie & Knickerless were pulled in for a down-down for talking, private partying and not paying attention to the Circle.

3.     New members: Annie, Nick & Tracey Garrity were introduced.  They had paid deposit and subs but remember to hand in your completed application form, please!  Sooch rejoined LCH3 to accompany her friends.

On On On On!

Scribed by Running Sh*t, transcribed by Poser, in the bleeding absence of C#*k Radio!  (ok, ok, don’t get your knickers in a knot, I’m back!!!-CR)

The belated "Best Man Charge"

This is Eleven's and Circle Jerk's wedding run. At a wedding, normally somebody makes a speech to give some insight into the personality or character of the groom...... This is not the wedding and I am not the best man but this is the hash and I am the next best thing, the co hare...... So I will speak about Circle Jerk tonight.

 I only know him from the hash, I know nothing else about him.  But what I learned on the hash is good enough to paint a clear picture........  I will compare his reckie behavior to some other hares I laid a run with: Pussy Lifter and Running Shit.

 How do we do Reckies?

 With Pussy Lifter, you cycle a Reckie…… With Running Shit, you walk a Reckie.

 With Circle Jerk, you run a Reckie. And when I say running, I mean running..... No breaks, ...no drink stops, ....no area survey, ...no strategic discussions, just pure running. Fast running. And when his GPS phone says we run at 71 km/h, it is not far from the truth.

 -> Bullshit was called here

 What about the starting time?

 When Pussy Lifter and I agree to start the Reckie at 2.00 o'clock, it means that at 1.57, we already agreed the first T-check. .............With Running Shit, you can be happy if he shows up at all.

 With Circle Jerk I developed a kind of procedure. We usually agree on Friday night on the time I will pick him up for the Reckie. So, when I reach his place, I am supposed to call him to come down.  We always agree on 9.30 in the morning and what then happens is always the same, always. .......So when I call him sometime between 9.27 and 9.31, the telephone rings for about 5 minutes before he picks up. He is always very surprised to hear my voice….."Oh, Cherry Picker, you are here? ......….Ja Ja, I am ready, just need to put my shoes on"…..  I don't know, he must live on the 200^th floor and the elevator is always broken but he always takes at least 15 minutes to come down and he usually still carries his shoes.

 How long do Reckies last?

 With Pussy Lifter, the Reckie lasts as long as it needs to define every detail of the run....... With Running Shit, the Reckie never last longer than 20 minutes.

 With Circle Jerk, we run until the doctor comes……So when I am on the stretcher with an Oxygen mask on my face, this guy is still running home. This not already being bad enough, the maniac straps weights around his legs.

How many Reckies do we do?

 With Pussy Lifter, you do exactly two reckies, the first to define the run and the second to check the time...... With Running Shit, one Reckie is usually more than enough.

 With Circle Jerk, the bare minimum is 7 reckies. For this run we did 7 reckies together and he did another 3 alone.

 What tools do we use?

 With Pussy Lifter we make use of the most recent technology: Aerial pictures, satellite maps, Google Earth and superlight aluminium bicycles......... With Running Shit, we use nothing. Nothing besides his infinite wisdom.

 With Circle Jerk, we misuse modern technology: his GPS handphone..... On the first reckie, the battery went flat..... On the second reckie, believe it or not, the battery went flat..... On the third reckie, he forgot to press the button..... Finally, on the fourth reckie we got it to work........ Do I need to say anything about the results?

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