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Run 1416 Singapore National Day Run |
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Date: 7th August 2009 |
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Hares: Boo & Quickie, Chicken Shit & Strapless |
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Run-Site: Lorong Lada Hitam
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On On: Beng Cheng Restaurant
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Numbers: Members: 63 Returnees: 1 Visitors: 8 (incl. 3 virgins) Total 72 |
The Run by our Mystery Run Reporter: Shut the Fuck Up
Usually, when I get back from a run and DIY asks, “Do you remember the bit where…?” I have no idea what he’s talking about. I like to tell myself that this is because I’m trying so hard to stay on trail that I only focus on the chalk, flour and paper. However, even I can hear “Bullshit, bullshit it all sounds like…” in my head at that excuse. Anyway, I was thankful for the warning from Half Cut that I’d been tasked with writing the run report so that I could really try to remember something about last Friday’s hash.
The 2009 Singapore National Day run was punctuated by the chargeable acts of fellow hashers coupled with what the circle unanimously voted a great run set by the hares Boo, Quickie, Strapless & Chicken Shit. Thank you and Happy National Day!
Before we headed off, we were warned to stick to the toilet paper with little dolphins on it since Thursday’s run had been set in the same area on mere white paper. Of course, this didn’t stop the FRBs from heading off on Thursday’s run at the very start. Well done Shaggy Dick 2 and Wet Patch for cordoning on quite quickly and getting back on Friday’s run before losing sight of the pack entirely!
Run 1415 was a perfect balance of pure running, skilfully placed checks to keep us unruly Lion City hashers together and lots of shiggy, taking us through freshly hacked away jungle and one of the smelliest streams in Singapore - of course, we found out from Tia Maria later why this was the case after she suffered the unnerving experience of catching Boo on his honkers taking a ‘nature stop’ further upstream!
I thought I was being clever after negotiating the brown water for a few hundred meters by following Astronut up and out of the stream. I was directly behind him as he was calling out “I’m not on trail. I’m not following paper.” and I had Tiger Lily directly behind me shouting “Are you? Are you on trail?”, clearly demonstrating her ability not only to continue when not on paper, but to miss someone calling that they weren’t. I had presumed that Astronut was drawing on his years of hashing experience to lead us out of the disgusting swamp and back on lovely, dry trail. I was wrong. He was simply off trail.
Eventually we found the trail again as the FRBs emerged from the circle check after the swamp. Going by the thick brown ‘mud’ marks on their T-shirts, they had waded chest high through a deeper part of the stream! Whatever was in that “mud” was clearly potent stuff because C#nt Dracula ran past Big Head and I towards the end, T-shirtless and with a brown ring staining his body up to under his armpits, singing deliriously and pulling his wet, muddy shorts up from the waist as he ran past us revealing way too much. Put it away!
At one point, Coo Chi Coo ran past me on an uphill, clearly showing off. As hashing karma has it, he paid a high price for this disgusting act, losing not one but both of the soles of his trainers. If there isn’t a hashing lesson to be learnt from this, I don’t know what is!
About an hour into the run, I turned to Bagless 2 and commented that we must be close to home. He informed me that there was still “an up, down, up, down and another up to come”, but I’m not sure if he was informing me of the profile of the rest of the run or something else!
It’s always disappointing when such a great run comes to an end but with any luck I’ll still be in Singapore next year for the next National Day run.
The Circle by Half Cut
Circle began at 08.04 pm.
What did we think of the Run Our GM’s catch cry has become ‘almost 100% certain’ and on this occasion he added on ‘you will agree with me it was a great run’ - ‘great run’ was changed to ‘fantastic run’ before we went on with the circle
Tell us about your On On: Beng Cheng Restaurant, $12 a head.
Next Week’s Run: Big Head’s Birthday Run at International Business Park
Penile Extension was brought into the circle to be presented with a t-shirt commemorating his 50th run with Lion City Hash. Congratulations PR.
Machine has run 600 runs with Lion City and thoroughly deserved his awards in the circle. Congratulations Machine.
Virgins: Garry, Rommel, Lisa
Returnees: Malfunktion
Visitors: Fuck a Wallaby, Trevor, Nils, Richard, The Beast
New Members: None
Do we have a Hare Whip? Boo
· Cock Radio was called in for a down down. He short cut big time so much so that he was back at the run site after only 15 mins out with the pack. He was silly enough to please with the hare not to tell anyone.
· Shut the Fuck Up and DIY were called in for a down down. On the way to the run they had walked past a white Mercedes which looked vaguely familiar. They waited by it (never mind the fact there was not a runner in sight) hoping for Boo to appear. This was not about to happen ever and they eventually found the correct run site.
· All the dirty boys were called in for a drink – in the real shiggy parts of the run they did not hesitate to jump right into it with both feet. DIY, Front Seat Wanker, Cunt Dracula and Bagless.
· The two virgins were called in. I completely lost the charge when it was pointed out that one of the young men had a pair of pretty pink slippers on his feet (for his next charge he came in barefoot – wise move I thought).
Mystery Whip: Malfunktion
(GM –‘100% certain we have a mystery whip’ and Tiger Lily still talking)
Malfunktion had gone to watch a road race in which Tiger Lily participated. During the race he spotted her and jumped up and down waving at her while she was running – she seemed to look his way but in lieu of responding looked away. He was dashed. Down Down for Tiger Lily.
Malfunction called in Tia Maria to apologize for something of which I am not sure.
Malfunction imparted a bit of hash wisdom that at 12.34; 12.35; & 12.36 on 07/08/09 all the numbers ran in sequence. Figure it out.
Mystery Mystery Whip: Armless (Self appointed Mystery Whip)
Armless told us about his visit to the Doctor. He had been having trouble with a fungus between his toes – itching like crazy so decided to have it looked at. The doctor asked him questions and then pulled out a blue tablet which he proceeded to cut in four. When Armless enquired what that was the doctor informed him - Viagra. Armless was astounded – what the hell, Viagra? ‘Yes, take one a night and you will stop pissing on your toes.’ said the doctor.
Tia Maria was called out by Armless. Tia Maria and he arrived at the run together at 6.10 pm after the runners had gone. They set out but within 100 yards Tia Maria disappeared for a moment, screamed, and came out covered in shiggy. Down down for Tia Maria.
Boo was called out for (i) bathing bottomless (displaying the whitest backside) in a clear, sparkling drinkable brook , and (ii) cleaning himself of shiggy in that ‘sparkling used-to-be drinkable brook water’. This was also the reason why Tia Maria came back screaming.
Mystery Mystery Mystery Whip: No Good
No Good called Penile Extension in. She enquired of his health when she arrived at the run and he had replied “too hard” and “too hot” .
This was the week for No Good to be eavesdropping. She heard Stash and Big Head talking. Big Head asked Stash ‘How was your week”. ”It was hot, wet and soggy’ ‘Oh’, said Big Head ‘did you go to Bangkok?’.
The Prick: Cock Radio came in with the prick but was unsuccessful in giving it away. His attempt to give it to Goody Bag failed. He read from a newspaper article regarding a mens sexual health clinic here in Singapore which was offering free Goody Bags. There was some high jinks in the circle involving the prick including Saliva’s comment of ‘Break it off’ .
GM Business:
Birthdays – Topless, Slack Arse and Loose Change. Happy Birthdays all.
At one stage in the circle Cock Radio called Big Head into the circle to tease her about not being ready for her run next week. He had obviously been eavesdropping and overhead that a recee had not been carried out for next week’s run – guess he is just acting as the concerned GM.
Tiger Lily and Backseat Bonker were called into the circle for talking during the circle. Not to be deterred Tiger Lily walked to the other side of the circle and started up all over again with another willing participant.
Cock Radio called Armless back into the circle for getting ahead of himself and acting as the Mystery Mystery Whip when he in fact had not been asked to be the any Mystery Whip (GM - ‘but I am almost 100% certain).
A.O.B.
Slocum called Jack Off in and gave her a down down for being more interested in the vegetables outside the doctors office (including a banana and a cucumber) than she was in the reason Slocum was in the doctors office.
Coo Chi Coo called in Poser and Astronut for advertising a ‘hardly been used’ dining table. There was a story to go with this which created a few laughs.
Stash told the story of a hasher who went to great lengths to protect herself from the shiggy by laying leaves on the shiggy so she could daintily step to dry land. But as with most things the best laid plans go astray and she exclaimed as she went down ‘not my new shoes’. Poser called in for another drink.
Wet Patch advertised a house warming party on 29th August to celebrate his return to Singapore. Details to follow.
Coo Chi Coo was called in for losing his soul or his sole – not sure which.
Ayam Kampong called all the Singaporeans in to celebrate their 44th National day and got them reciting their pledge and singing their national song. Congratulations Singapore
Circle closed at 8.56
Half Cuts Plagiarism:
Straits Times Thursday 30th July 2009- Britain Unveils New ID Card
London: British Home Secretary Alan Johnson has unveiled the final design of a controversial new national identity card. The 30 poung biometric ID card will be available to the public in the Greater Manchester area from the end of this year. He said this was necessary as a person known as Maria Hernandez alias Tia Maria would be arriving in the very near future to inhabit their up to this time trouble free city. The article went on to talk about the ID card providing a ‘safe, secure and simple way’ of proving one’s identity.
Straits Time 7th August 2009 – Saudi Man Goes Big on Sex Novelty Item
Ottawa: A Saudi businessman has purchased what has been described by the Canadian seller as the world’s most expensive adult novelty item – a solid 18K gold penis enlarger worth nearly US $50,000 ($72,000).
X4 Labs, a Canadian manufacturer of medical devices, received the unorthodox request and recruited a Montreal custom jeweler to help with its design and construction.
‘This male health accessory is the most expensive traction device ever produced and will likely become a historical benchmark for the adult novelty industry,’ the company said in a statement.
Little is known about the buyer, except that he lives in Jeddah.
His glitzy new penis enlarger is being encrusted at his request with 40 diamonds and several rubies and is to be delivered by armoured car in October, said X45 Labs co-owner Rick Oh.
Saudi law bans the import of sex toys, but the company insists its product is a United States government-certified medical device. Such devices normally retail for less than US$400. But this custom order is expected to cost about US $47,000, he added.
‘It’s an unusual request,’ said Mr Oh. ‘We didn’t take it seriously at first, but once he sent us a deposit, we had to agree to it. Obviously, there were giggles initially when we presented our project to a jeweler and asked him for help.’
The seemingly lavish device was actually conceived for a practical purpose, he explained.
‘We were approached by the customer who insisted on a solid gold version of our product because he claimed to have a severe skin allergy to stainless steel.’
Later, the buyer asked to add diamonds and rubies to it.
“The company now intends to offer all customers custom designs for its male novelty devices, although it states that it is ‘uncertain as to whether this will become a trend’.
On On On On!
Scribed by Half Cut
Confucius Says: Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
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