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Run 1439 3rd Boys of Jan Run |
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Date: 15th January 2010 |
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Hares: Croc O'Shit, Ditch, Front Seat Wanker, Gypsy, Malfunktion, Phony Dick |
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Run-Site: Lower Seletar Close |
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On On: Seletar Seafood Restaurant |
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Numbers: Members: 72 Returnees: 4 Visitors: 7 (incl. 2 virgins) Total: 83 |
The Run by our Mystery Run Reporter: Hot Single #02: Knickerless
Often on a Saturday I find myself thinking, “Thank goodness I haven’t got to do the run report today”. Not, unfortunately, this Saturday.
When I sit down to do a run report, which is all too frequently, I often try to recall my first thoughts when I log into that email from “Contact” (is that someone’s hash name?). This time, I thought two things. Firstly, why on Earth does it take EIGHT men to hare a run? I can set a run very satisfactorily with just one other co-hare – and that’s only in case I get attacked by a marauder whilst I am in the jungle. The second thing I thought was, “Hmmmm. Lots of potential in that area for looooooong runs, shiggy, swimming across drains and finishing in the dark”. Do I want to go? Oh, all right then!!!
Can I explain my disquiet? Yes? OK, thank you, so here’s a story. Once upon a time, there was a group of stalwart Hashers. They hashed regularly for twenty to thirty years. They did short runs, medium runs and long runs. They never short cut! They ran in many countries and in many different sorts of terrain. They crossed rivers, climbed mountains and waterfalls, slid down ropes, ran in deserts, crossed rickety bridges, walked planks and poles (even bendy ones, but those were mostly on a Friday night AFTER the hash), negotiated drains, boarded the MRT, buses and boats and most of all raced and slithered along jungle paths. They served on committees, whipped, scribed, set runs, sponsored events and even ran the Circle from time to time. But then ...... something insidious happened. They began to find rough ground harder to negotiate. Balance became less precise; eyesight less sharp. Crossing those narrow planks and poles became more difficult! Drains, drops, ropes and slopes became less inviting. They dropped from the front of the pack, to the middle then to the back. So, what happened to those faithful examples of hashendom? Respected? Cared for? Yes, sometimes. Light-heartedly joked with, the term “old fart” being referred to frequently? Yes, sometimes, and who cared! But - trodden on, pushed out of the way, ignored, told to “Run the f*****g hash” or “This isn’t supposed to be a walk you know”? “No!!!!! Never!!!!” I hear you cry! But YES!!! “Often” is the answer! Believe it or not, all of these things have happened to me. Beware, FRBs, younger hashers, derisive hares – THIS WILL BE YOU ONE DAY!!! That is, if you have the strength, fortitude and willpower to get that far. So, hares, be nice to me, if I ask you about the run in advance, I am not being lazy, I am just nervous!!!
Anyway, back to the run. Off we went, front runners like Bully, Not Tonight and Cheeky in the lead as usual. Out onto Yio Chu Kang Road, across the footbridge and through a few hoardings into the old trails and extinct rubber plantations of the old Tagore area. Ah, the sound of those nuts cracking! (And that’s only Boo trying to take a pee in the bushes). I wonder how long those old trails will remain. Long I hope! But all too soon, off the pack veered into one of those dreaded drains and On Under to the north side of the Seletar Expressway. Reluctant to leave the open trails and the swaying old rubber trees, this hasher kept going and took advantage of the Upper Thomson flyover to dash underneath and across.
The trail continued north to the Springleaf area where I am told a certain lady hasher failed to recognise her own home ground! The trail then turned south, through some major mud and back towards the Lentor intersection where we were able to slip illegally underneath the tangle of slip roads through to Seletar Close, and back to the run site on the banks of the Sungei Seletar Simpang Kanan (how many of you knew that!)
Front runners were back in about 50 minutes, a perfect length! So thank you, hares, once again, for a great run, a good run site and ideal weather!
Knickerless xx
The Circle by: Cherry Picker
The Circle started: 19.53
It was one of those occasions where we had both, the Grandmaster and Grand Mistress around at the same time. No stand-in was required.
What did we think of the Run: Of all the January boys, only Phoney Dick, Croc O’Shit and Ditch entered the circle. After some comments about the shiggy tunnel, everyone agreed it to be a good run.
Tell us about your On On: Seletar Seafood Restaurant, 10 courses for 12 S$ a head plus one free dish by CumPuss: Birthday Cake for the boys.
Next Week’s Run: Shoe Shopper quickly announced the Australian Run at the end of Chestnut Ave. On On at Red Lantern with Comes Quietly providing vegemite sandwiches.
Virgins: Jess went home. What a pity. The other virgin was Lim Kuan Yik. To the question who made him come he answered: “my mom”. “Who is your mum?” was the reply. “Goody Bag”. So so, Goody Bag is making her virgin son come. Saliva requested proof that he is Goody Bag’s son and requested him to make a split. He’s allright……
Visitors: Mammary Mama, Valentine, Colin, Stiffener, Graeme.
At this point my notes say “CumPuss needed a scratch” I wish I could remember what this means.
Returnees: Jack Off announced special and one normal returnee: Fawlty Towers is returnee because he is leaving for good, Thunderbolt is returnee but coming back for good and On Up is returning from the states. Our Grand Mistress can’t find anything special about King Leer. Boo The Mad Chinaman however shouted: “Look at King Leer, he is quite old, he lost his hair too”.
New Members: None
Milestones: None
Do we have a Hare Whip? Phoney Dick
Astronut was called in to show the first Boys of January Run T-Shirt ever. Then Stash was called in to show the same T-Shirt,…..no, it was not the same. There were small differences. The biggest one being that it said ‘Boys of September Run”. Didn’t he know what month of the year it was?
After Phoney Dick went first over the pedestrian bridge and bend down to do his shoelaces or search for trail, Croc O’Shit came next, trying to do as his chief hare and enquired whether Phoney Dick wanted him to bend down for him as well.
Phoney Dick never told a lie to a Lady, he claimed to be an honest man (Bullshit, bullshit,….). The only exception was when Chicken Shit tried to spy on him for the route his run was going to take. “Where are you going mah?”, “This way, ahhh?”, “What way lah?”, “Springleaf??”. He is very sorry that he lied to her and broke his lifelong vow to always be honest to woman. She told him: “You know, Springleaf is my territory, you need my permission there.”
Prick of the Week: Cock Radio was in search of the Prick. As he was away for some time, he wasn’t sure whether he was after the Prick or the Dick. Whatever it was, he only knew who actually had it. As Circle Jerk was not around, he went to his spouse to enquire about it. So he said to Eleven: “Does he have the Prick or the Dick?, Which one is it?, which one does he have?”. Eleven replied that he had the big one.
We are back to the good old times where nobody cared about Cock Radio’s testicles….. AND NOW ITS….TIME FOR THE …..Mystery Whip: ReciproCunt
He exclaimed that he was a virgin Whip and therefore was allowed to take some liberties. (This certainly isn’t covered in the constitution.) He called in Fat Crashing Bastard look alike Malfunktion and a representative of the committee into the circle: Cherry Picker. Having nothing else to do, ReciproCunt actually did read the membership list. Not only did he read his own entry, he checked all the entries and did actually find a mistake in Fat Bastard’s spelling. The fat bastard is crashing and not crushing. As if Cherry Picker knows the difference! He also wanted to know why his hash name was in red. It is in red because the spelling changed after ReciproCunt pointed out that he was in fact a member of the Cunt family.
All the surfers were called in. Croc O’Shit surfed into the circle but was bullshitted out right away. When nobody admitted to be a surfer, all the Australians were called in. I only remember Cock Radio in the circle. The charge is about etiquette and the similarity between surf etiquette and hash etiquette. The surfing rules at Bondi Beach and Manley are very complex, e.g. no dropping in or any misdeeds. In Bondi you can’t do anything, you can’t walk, can’t collect see shells, can’t kiss your girlfriend, just like the hash etiquette. Just break the rules!
At this point in time Cock Radio suddenly realised that we had a very muddy run today, especially in the tunnel below SLE. He overheard somebody complaining that the mud had gone all the way up to her nether regions. She then proclaimed “I have a muddy Foo Foon”. As this sounded French to CR, he asked King Leer to translate it for him. Not sure he really knew what it means, he said it was a nice way to say Whee Whee. Marie was then identified as the culprit and promptly, by the powers invested in our Grandmaster, named “Muddy Foo Foon”. CR sprinkled a lot of holy water into the right places and finally advised her that Croc O’Shit would like her to have a good shower before going to bed.
And now……..it’s time…….for…….the….Mystery Mystery Whip: with one week delay TBA entered the stage.
His wife told him that he has no problem going into a pub, his problem is getting out of it, which he readily admitted. He has observed similar things on the hash. There are always those who don’t have a problem going into the circle. Their problem is that they never get out: Stash, Penile Extension, Croc O’Shit. Two strange things happened now, 1. he did not call in Kannot Kan and 2. Boo The Mad Chinaman entered uninvited.
Astronut was called in for doing his new maid. We shouldn’t worry about telling his wife because she knows. On in Poser. Poser complained that her maid went home and she had to do all the cleaning by herself. So this is why Astronut is doing his new maid.
There was a story in the news last week about 4 guys touching up a beautiful girl on Sentosa. Bully, Stash, Malfunktion and Slocum enter the circle. TBA requested them to touch up somebody, somebody who has something to do with bags. He did not call in Goody Bag, who was on standby to enter the circle at any moment, he called instead a look alike for Handbag: Cock Radio. Who ate all the pies?
Jack Off called Croc O’Shit and Malfunktion in for wrestling.
AOB
Saliva called in a Poser look alike: Mamary Mama. That not being enough, she also calls Poser herself and Astronut. Astronut was now tasked to tell us the difference between the two ladies. Hooray didn’t know the difference. Here’s to the old farts…
Shaggy Dick Too, as a school teacher, makes it a habit to read quality newspapers (he was probably referring to the LionCity Newsletter). In the Today Newspaper he saw the word “SEX”, which was interesting enough to continue reading on. The former Miss Singapore is now working for a local company which manufactures condoms and her title is “Ambassador for Safe Sex”. As she was doing or teaching safe sex in schools, SD thought the best way forward would be to send her an email with his work address and ask her to come down for safe sex. Cock Radio however pointed out that at the end of the article it said that she wouldn’t do any strange poses with condoms and that she in fact never has tried the product she is promoting because she is against pre-marital sex. All the Ambassadors for Sex were now invited into the circle: CumPuss, Iron Crotch, Mother Mary, Chicken Shit, Too Good, No Good, Saliva, Poser, Wonton, Quicky.
Twin Towers charged all her companion walkers: Mother Mary, Eleven, Iron Crotch, Pricess of the Sloths, Wanton, Ayam Kampong. I didn’t really get the point, it was quite noisy. She charged them for walking, slow walking and / or fast walking. There was something in the front of the their pack to take care off, can't remember what it was, maybe a dog, snake, dead body, muddy tunnel, no clue. Ayam Kampong walked very fast and therefore in front. She told them to shut up because she wanted to take care of it spiritually. It didn't work and then she told them to shut the fuck up. Sorry, but somehow I must have missed something here.
Phoney Dick remembered that 20 years ago on his birthday (12 January) Mother Mary got married. Reliable sources said that there is a reason for him remembering it…
Stash proclaimed that the country was getting bigger and bigger. One of the experienced hashers was not able to figure out where we were: Impossible. He came late to the run because he couldn’t even find the runsite with GPS. Blood Shit’s navigator, Double Bag, took him to Pungol and Pinball Wizard took 2 hours to reach the runsite because she went back and forward continuously.
Kannot Kan announced the 2nd annual Burns night run of Kampong Hash on 23 January.
Circle closed: 20.45pm
On On On On!
Scribed by: Cherry Picker
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