Run: No 922
Date: Friday May 26 2000
Where: Seletar Air Base
Hares: Suzee Wong and Grubby Greg
Members: 34
Guests: !7
Virgins: 2
Visiting Hashers: 1

Well, I don't know what you thought of the run, but my substandard knees hurt like crazy. Must have been that first stretch of about 2 hours without a discernable check, with long demoralising stretches of straight road with the distant speck of Lynxx three kms ahead. As usual, your geographically inept scribe was the last one in who did the whole run (when will I ever learn?), everyone behind me having sensibly short cut the last kilometre or three.

A dedicated but terminally late Astronut was caught hopping when Ring Pull called the circle to ramshackle order. He had his priorities fixed and was plaintively heard to wail that he hadn't got a beer yet, but to no avail. Comments on the run ranged from the unprintable to the generous, with the virgin hares finally being awarded good run for their efforts. Ahhh, we're a generous lot, aren't we?

Astronut was still chasing that errant first beer when Vietnam Rose was called in to announce her run next week at Minden Road. Never shy of self-promotion (or anything else) she announced it in Hooray style as "Run of the Year", so she's got a lot to live up to. She also suggested it was going to be a short walk which makes it halfway to Best Run already as far as I'm concerned.

Ring Pull now pulled in a motley crew of virgins, virgin retreads and downright visitors (one of each) figuring that with such a small turnout it wouldn't be friendly to make them drink alone. She did okay on the pronunciation stakes with military Chris (who had in fact, not been a virgin since Tuesday), and not too bad with the improbably moustachioed Reiner from Germany (a genuine virgin as he proved with his reaction to the beer) but had a bit of trouble with 2nd in command of the army in Alaska (visiting royalty- and probably a dangerous man to cross) 'cos his name had been spelt wrong. Several effort in fluent double-Dutch ensued before the aforementioned Army guy explained that it was simply Boob-a-Lube. Apparently in Alaska everyone has the disgusting habit of rubbing themselves with moose grease before running as it heightens their orgasms or something. Hmmm - may have to try that one - but where do I get hold of the moose?

She then pulled in a very welcome returnee - Impossible - who has been busy coining it in in Hong Kong since January 1 (I checked). His drinking skills seem to have taken a bit of a knock, though - maybe the typhoons have taken their toll....

Another very welcome returnee-cum-new member Jack Off - was also called in to do her stuff. Looking as good as ever, Jack Off!

A now beer-revived Astronut attempted to call in the Hare Whip but was distracted by a private party and proceeded to scold them roundly - after all as Lynxx reminded us, "This man is paid by the minute," and expects to command immediate attention ,if not respect. In fact, the Hare Whip showed her deference by being in the shower, so poor hubby Grubby was punished. And punishment it was - have you ever tried to down down soda water? Cruel and unusual punishment, I can tell you.

Ring Pull moved on to award an unprepared Corny Linguist with his 50 runs T-shirt. Where were the fishnet stocking, the leatherette g-string, the peephole bra? All we got was a flash of etiolated (it's dictionary time, Coo Chi Coo!) torso to loud cries of "On! On! On!"... Ring Pull enjoyed her cheap thrill of getting a man to put his clothes on.....

Astronut called for the hare whip but Suzee Wong was proving as difficult to catch as a larded ferret so poor old Grubby Greg had to do soda water duties again. He was looking seriously green about the gills after this.

Mystery Whip Footrot (one mystery being that he hadn't even done the run!) embarked on a long Gallic story about how he had to go back to France to remind himself how to "rub a woman"! (First, catch your moose....) He then pointed out the difference between women of all races. Your Caucasian woman, says Footrot, (Cookie was the representative here) you can only kiss on the first date, fondle on the second, and have sex on the third - but only in the missionary position. (Yup - that sounds about right - but who bothers with dates 1 and 2?) And that's why, continues FR, Caucasian guys like to come in Asia. Come in Asians is more like it, Footrot. Aftershock represented all Indian women. She (the Indian woman - not Aftershock) apparently allows nothing on the first date, lets you sniff her panties on the second (personal experience, Footrot?) and rogers like a mink on the third. Malaysia is only worth a stopover (Vitamin Rose -oops. Spellcheck problems again! - was the rep.) because although you can touch breasts on the first date and get down to some serious nookie on the second by the third date she's asking you to get circumcised and take care of her family. Of course, in Singapore, when you take out a Chinese girl (in this case, Pandora's Box) the first date is and expensive dinner, the second date is an even more expensive dinner - and the third date doesn't happen 'cos you've run out of cash. And that, according do Footrot's vast experience, is why men prefer to sit at home with a beer and sport on the telly. Cries of derision - but also recognition - from the female hashers.

Mystery Mystery whip Ripper rather meanly called in Jack Off for not having new shoes and still refusing to get her feet wet. Lynxx was targeted because Ripper felt he might never get another chance since she's leaving shortly. But he nastily reminded her that it was no use leaving as she was trying to get away from Barbarian's FRB conversation as he was going to England too. Lynxx showed an uncharacteristic clumsiness with the amber fluid buy proceeding to dribble it all over her sarong, which somewhat compromised its elegant effect. Ripper then proceeded to demonstrate how integrated a soul he is by providing an instant riposte to Footrot's praise of French lovers in the form of a newspaper article reporting that Frenchmen are so bad at lovemaking that they have to go back to school (Bonking 101, anyone?) in order to learn how to do it. Australians apparently have seduction down to a fine art. "G'day. How're ya doing?Nice tits. Wanna fuck" This seems rather long-winded to me. Most of the Australians I meet are more of the "Sheila? You awake?" variety....

Still waiting for the Hare Whip, Ring Pull had another award to present, this time to an also-unprepared Pandora's Box for 100 runs. Despite great pleading from the men, she modestly refused to remove her top on the grounds that she wasn't wearing a bra. Spoil sport!

Finally, a fragrant Suzee Wong appeared and called in Dim Sum for arriving late, taking a ride in her car to catch up, and then insisting he had done the whole run. Shame on you, Dim Sum. And put that bloody beer bottle away!

Lynxx was finally forced to relinquish the Prick of the Week, first calling in Faker as a teaser for climbing over a barrier for thirty five minutes. Lots of lewd suggestions about why it took her so long. But the Prick finally went to Strapless for stepping on a black cobra. Obviously he has a thing for long black ones so he got one.

AOB was called but the circle was looking a bit tired by now. Vietnam Rose did, however, manage to remind the circle that sex was the best exercise for losing weight and calling in the newly trim Footrot for going to Phuket and doing nothing but "Sex, swimming, sex, swimming" - but with his wife. And in Phuket. Vietnam Rose seemed genuinely horrified.

The circle then adjourned to the nearby Golf Club for some excellent grub and the usual slide downhill to perdition. Roll on next week.

On on

Black Widow

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