Run No. 925

Date: June 16 2000

Place: Dempsey Road

Hare: the singular Lynxx

Members: 37 who signed in

Guests: 37

Visitors: 7

Virgins: 1

Returnees: 1

It's been a pretty damn awful couple of weeks on the whole. The car blew up, my rent went up, the stock market went down - and - oh, yes, I lost my job. So unless your scribe gets her finger out it could be three strokes of the cane (whip me, beat me, make me feel cheap) and a quick stay in the overstayers prison for you, my girl. Well, Portsdown Prison is not a hundred miles away from where I sit - and I could get my friends to lob bottles of cold Tiger and packets of Colbar curried chicken over the perimeter fence at regular intervals. Hmmm. Maybe not so bad. Watch this space.

Still, the show must go on. For the moment.

A huge crowd gathered for the farewell run of one of our oldest - sorry, Lynxx - longest-serving hash members. "It's a short run," she opined. "I did it in an hour." A large minority, with visions of arriving back sometime in late July, almost bottled out at this point, but respect for the hare precluded that option, so off the pack trotted to the first hash bottleneck where various kamikaze show-offs attempted to get themselves stencilled all over Holland Road by flinging themselves under the fast moving traffic. All survived, only to meet a far deadlier foe at the Sultan's Palace. Yes - the hasher's Nemesis - the dreaded hornets. Real carnage here, involving blood-curdling (and thoroughly understandable) shrieking and some pretty unpleasant injuries. The Millichamps (Mike and Rita) were badly stung, as was Sherpa (and others, I think) and Dim Sum had a very bad reaction that necessitated a stay in hospital. That's the latest news I have, so I just want to extend my sympathy, and hope that all who were attacked make a full and swift recovery. Not nice. You picked a good run to miss, Dickless.

The rest of the run was less eventful but very inventive and scenic. Yes, it was a very scenic view from the top of the 20ft high wall onto Steven's Close - so scenic that my head started swimming and my discretion certainly overcame my valour as I shamefully crept the long way round. Still, all was forgiven by the Muddy Murphy's drink stop and the great sarong giveaways (black!) of which I think I got the last - as befits my normal position in the pack. (Yes, Bully, I know I run okay for the first half-hour but then - gasp! - I remember why I ought to give up smoking….

Astronut brought an unruly circle to order and called in the hare - suggesting that maybe the hornet protectors (sarongs) should have been given out before the run. Still, the verdict was never going to be anything but Good Run. Lynxx announced her top-flight on-on at Bogart's (hey, I thought the compulsory karaoke was a joke till I got there….)

Next week's run was announced by a sexily-draped Bushy, obviously using her womanly wiles (and the famous sarong) to drum up custom for Swiss Club Road.

Ring Pull introduced Virgin Mark in amazing gor-blimey shorts. I don't really think he can be a virgin as he reacted to Free Willy's shorts-pulling trick with insouciance and fortitude - just like a real hasher. Maybe he plays rugby. Maybe he just like exposing himself. Vietnam Rose was eschewing the shorts- pulling routine tonight as she's not allowed in the circle (her words). We'll see, Rose, we'll see….

Then all these visitors piled in - Mad Dog, Chris, Mouthpiece, Get Lost, Arthur and John Crittenden - hell, he goes back too far to have a hash name! Not Tonight somehow inveigled her way in there - I think she just wanted to show off her strappy little black dress.

Poor Ring Pull had a bit of trouble with the returnee, whom she referred to as Botiana. Never mind, Pontianak!

Hare whip Lynxx sailed into the circle dressed as a cross between the Pope and Liberace and regaled us with a quick verbal historical tour of her future home, Canterbury (the English one). She's apparently going to give aid (or was that AIDS?) to the Archbishop. She then thoughtfully foisted various bits of her old clothing and stuff on needy hashers.
Firstly, Condom (street name Russell) was given a T-shirt with his name on it (presumably so that he can refresh his memory after a particularly brutal on-on). Shit Stream was given a shirt that suggested he needed some "fun between his legs" (!!) what with Faker being away. Hash Brew Free Willy was given an American Muscle T-shirt (no irony intended, surely?). A highlight here was Gecko being presented with a far too small gecko T-shirt which he manfully tried to don, only to end up stumbling round like something out of "The Night of the Living Dead" when he got irretrievably stuck - with accompanying muffled obscenities. So stylish, Gecko. Coo Chi Coo was totally unfazed by being draped in Lynxx's hot-off-the-sweaty-bod running shorts (he's never been the most tasteful of men) and being presented with anchovies (for added flavour) - and a jar of beetroot for something he did with Desperation last week. (I sometimes think I'm living in an alternative universe - or - at least - I hope I am!) (Maybe it's those mushrooms again - Ed.) Degenital, Tanker Sore and TI Joe were loaded with all her old trophies and medals. Ring Pull was given a bitch T-shirt to encourage her to be nastier. Astronut gamely allowed himself to be turned into a frog (Why? - Ed.) and a few girls tried kissing him but he never made it to the prince part. Was this the longest hare whip ever? Were more people called in than left out? Can I get myself a glass of wine now?

The Mystery Whip, Condom, had a fairly unruly crowd on his hands now (will that Pussyfoot never stop his private partying?) but started with a good joke about old bulls being able to service more cows than young bulls. What this had to to with Aye Aye I dread to think (didn't know you were that way inclined Aye Aye…) I think it was some sort of comment on the way Aye Aye always comes from behind. Oh, you know what I mean… Then Ring Pull and Black Widow were called in for being overheard swapping diet stories. Well, what the hell do you guys think we talk about - you? Fat chance. Hooray was done for pushing in at the wall queue (so kiasu).

Astronut tried to get Vietnam Rose in for something but, if not actually disgruntled, she was far from being gruntled, and declined.

Mystery Mystery whip Stash did a very good call by commenting on the other kiasu lot at the start of the run. A pity that the bridge-destroyer Ad Nauseum (heard to comment "Who cares about the rest of the pack?" - boo) had gone, but road-crosser extraordinaire Barbarian did lookalike duties. Then he had another tale about a similarly boorish hasher who charged through crowds, knocked people about etc - but Pussyfoot was too embroiled in his private party to know he was being talked about….

Stash still had the Hash Shit and so presented it to the rightful owners, Mr. Magoo, Lost Patrol and Coo Chi 2.

Sherpa got a down-down for heroically trying to save Rita from the hornets and getting stung herself.

Aftershock gave the Prick of the Week for Dingleberry for the late newsletter. (Hey, the poor girl was ill!) And the Pussy was thoughtfully donated by Strapless to the hospitalized Dim Sum - to keep him company. Lookalike, Kiasu Lun (!!!)

AOB - The husbands who only make it with their wives every Chinese New Year (every two years, according to Ripper) were called in by Bloodshit to take their punishment: Ripper and Tin Cock.

There was probably more at this stage but I was panting for a beer and had rather lost interest. I managed to cadge a lift to the on-on (and if you're going to cadge, do it in style and get a lift off the Grand Master!). The on-on, by the way, was a total blast. Lynxx had arranged specific karaoke numbers for many of the hashers, and Dickless proved that he really could sing pretty well. People sang, danced, drank and generally had a jolly good time.

Now who's got a job for a single girl, a bit long in the tooth but with a fair bit of mileage left in her? Don't all rush at once….

On on

Black Widow

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