Run No: 928

Hares: All the Yanks

Where: Lorong Lada Hitam

When: 7 July 2000

Members: 47

Guests: 29

Virgins: 2

Returnees: 3

How many Septic Tanks does it take to set a hash run? No, that's not a joke (although my getting lost in the jungle with Gecko was…) I can't say too much about the run itself, but the bit I did was - er - challenging and pleasantly rural.

It's that time of year again, when we Brits celebrate the welcome shedding of an unruly lot of rebellious Colonials, and the Septics had kindly set a run to celebrate our Independence Day. Back at the run site I hurriedly stamped the cards - aided by a chivalrous Corny Linguist. Chivalrous, but either blind as a bat or on some hallucinogenic drug since he pulled cards for people who were out of the country and missed the cards of people he was talking to at the time. Ripper managed to extract the Hamiltons' cards, loudly averring that they weren't there. Confusion reigned but - hey - this is the hash, right?

Astronut did his best to call the mob to order (the Yanks, that is) in the circle. Now, forgive me if I miss anyone out, but the hares who gracefully accepted the Good Run accolade comprised Stash, Free Willy, Ring Pull, Blood Shit, Slo Cum, Dirty Hacker - oh well, the ever-decreasing brain cells in my memory bank can't come up with any more. Presumably each one set about 100 metres of the run. They regaled the circle with a tasteful rendition of God Bless My Underpants, telling us far more about the state of their briefs that anyone really wanted to know. Several people were heard to mutter "Bring back the Canadians" - with reference to last week's Canada Day run - and the stage was set for a certain amount of North American "Here come de grudge" stuff later on. Bear with me, dear reader , and all shall be revealed…. (In other words, you can't remember - Ed.) Oh, shut up.

Ring Pull pulled in couple of Fleet Air Arm virgins - Po and Hoots. Or they could have been sailors. I was getting a lot of input from the service boys here, so if I mention 819 Squadron, HMS Gannet and Fort Victoria I hope I've covered all our flying and sailing visitors. Stop that sniggering at the back or you'll get detention.

Visitors apart from the military were Speedy Tits, Cindy and Kim from our beloved Harriets.

New members were welcomed, but Svein Gunperson (oh, that Spell Check!) will have to wait till next time. Joseph Ng and Beth joined the happy throng of the converted.

Three important (not impotent, Dirty Hacker!) returnees popped in - Dimples from Houston, and Hot Lips and Pin Up from Honking (Look - I'm trying to do this quickly!). Ex-royalty! Pin Up had obviously got out of practice with the amber fluid and took so long struggling with his tiny down-down that Gypsy felt it incumbent upon himself to apologize to the circle. "You'll have to forgive him - he's ex-British Navy." You can imagine how well that went down with the visitors.

Astronut called for a Hare Whip - and Stash - who can never resist a chance to pose in the circle - obliged. He had a go at the Canadians for some reason - something about the quality of their underpants. (Is this hash becoming underpants obsessed? - Ed) Poor Dinglevirus took the flak for not respecting her southern cousins. (So?) He also called in the now ubiquitous Tight Arse for not paying his guest fees (tut tut!) and taking four harriets off paper into the jungle. That boy obviously has stamina. Or ambition.

I'm having trouble with my scrawl here, but I think his next charge was that a semi-naked Heath embarrassed the ladies (Impossible - Ed.) by exposing them to the delights of his nipple ring. Various ribald hash names were suggested, and finally Rusty Tits was settled upon.

At this stage I got involved in a bizarre bit of domestic strife as Saliva asked me to whip Aye Aye (!!!) for not allowing her to eat durian in bed. No idea what that was about, but sounds pretty exotic to me.

The Canadians now attempted to get their own back as Dingleberry strutted her stuff as the Mystery Whip. A bit of reverence as the Lord's Prayer in praise of beer was intoned, and then a bit of irreverence in an involved joke about Canucks melting down condoms to sell to Yanks as chewing gum. Free Willy and - er - Squire were the representative US whippees.

And the Mystery Mystery whip was not much of a mystery, seeing the way things were drifting. Astronut, smiling in shark like fashion, lurched into the circle. It was obvious now that if you weren't Canadian or a Yank you weren't going to get a look -in in this circle! He called in Dirty Hacker for referring to Canucks as "flash frozen Yanks" last week. Talk about bearing a grudge. Then came another series of jokes along the lines of "how many people does it take to change a light bulb?" in order to highlight the difference between the minimalist Canadian approach to hares (two) last week, and the bloated, fat-cat capitalist bigger-must-be-better approach of the 132 Yankee hares this week. Stash and Ring Pull stood in for the team.

Squire was presented with his award for a whopping 500 runs (does this man never take a holiday?)

A very sad farewell to Lynxx followed. This was to be her ultimate run in Singapore ("I give her till December," muttered Pin Up). Gypsy did the honours on our behalf. He reminisced about when, in Lynxx 's early days Hooray had hair, King Leer was a front runner, and Lynxx had tits. And only her sailors had tattoos. And so on. You get the picture. Poor old Lynxx had a right roasting, particularly when Gypsy focused on the fact that while Vietnam Rose has the record for the greatest number of ex-husbands, Lynxx holds the record for the greatest number of ex-Lion City members, citing Wings, Machine and Touch My Stuff, who have all departed from the scene after a Lynxx -liaison. Shame on you, Gypsy!

Ring Pull presented Lynxx with a golden shoe pendant as a memento - a Poser selection.. Hoots came in to share Lynxx's final down-down.

We'll miss you, Lynxx. Not that I ever saw you on the runs. Except when you were returning from a back-check.

Prick of the Week was - of course - Lynxx who called in the American men who obviously loved the US (God, Mom and apple pie) so much that they married Asian women and selected Chinese food for the on-on. Dirty Hacker got the award.

Barbarian did his red dress strut -(dangerous, in front of all the sex-starved matelots) to advertise the red dress ruin (Spell Check - honest!) next week.

Pussy of the Week was presented by Free Willy who wanted to know what a babe magnet was. Coo Chi Coo (ironically) suggested himself, but in fact he was talking about Zipp, who managed to pick up four sailors. Give me some tips, Zipp - I'm losing my touch! I need upgrading!

AOB. Ripper called in Lynxx (I told you this hash only has five members!) for being overheard to claim that she "came first". No. I'm not going to say anything.

Sybil managed to dredge up some old story about Lynxx oversleeping and causing her (Sybil) to miss a running competion (jaws were dropping with an audible clunk at this stage) twenty years ago. Sybil and a running competition? Bit of an oxymoron here.

Finally, the sailors thanked us for a great time, and averred that we were the most outrageous hash they'd ever been on. Hmmm. Can't get out much.

The newly named Rusty Tits whipped a bewildered Hooray for giving him the wrong directions to a run.

And then it was time to lurch to the on-on at the Sembawang Eating House where we did attempt to be as outrageous as our guests expected. I was seated between a couple of service guys named Pacer and Lightning, which made me think I should either be a racehorse or a member of Santa Claus' sleigh team. Still, a good time was had by all and it was on-on-on to - yes, you've got it - Anywhere. Set in our ways, or what?

The next night was Lynxx's farewell party at Indy's. I think I was there.

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