Run No. 933

Date: 11 August 2000

Where: Kranji War Memorial

Hares: The Ubiquitous Boo and Quickie

Members: 69 (stop that sniggering!)
Guests: 19
Virgins: 2
Visitors: 4 - but ever so ungrateful
Returnees: 2

I've been suffering all week from a disastrous episode of Delhi Belly and quite honestly, if Shit Stream hadn't already bagged it, I'd have changed my hash name - but you didn't really want to know that, did you? Thank God the hares had thoughtfully been liberal with the toilet paper on the run…Anyway, if this report is a bit disjointed you'll have to make allowances as I may have to nip off from time to time, like - right now!

Sorry. I'm not very well…(Stop whingeing and get on with it! - Ed.)

Managed to do my usual cross country MRT stuff up to Kranji and was hoofing it to the run site when the ever-courteous Dim Sum stopped to pick me up. Ever-courteous, but hopelessly blur, 'cos even the geographically illiterate moi could tell that he had turned into the wrong road and was heading straight for JB. Er - just leave me by the side of the road next time, DS! Ten minutes and six kms. later we managed to find a U-turn and made it to the run site just in time to be greeted by a sea of patriotically-clad hashers. Well, I was wearing national colours too - and New Zealand must have a National Day sometime. So off the huge pack lumbered, through the rubber plantation and lots of scenic countryside - and plenty of trainer-swallowing shiggy. Well-set checks kept the pack very much together - you know the hares have got it right when I get overtaken by a flummoxed Coo Chi Coo at 6.50. Oh, and while on the run I was chastised (ooh, naughty!) by a stern Bangles for always getting his name wrong. Well, I don't want to upset one of my favourite old farts, so I'll try not to do it again.

Ring Pull was on her own in the circle this week, but that one's never shy of a challenge, is she? And she unilaterally declared Good Run - which I'm sure we would all have agreed with if given the chance. Boo announced the on-on at Karu's down the road. Next week's hares were conspicuous by their absence.
The Singaporean hashers were invited into the circle to give us a tuneless but enthusiastic rendition of Majulah Singapura. Gypsy, Ripper and Lost and Found invited themselves into this group - don't know why, as they didn't get a free beer, and didn't know the words of the song either. Typical men - attention seeking whenever possible.

Virgins were welcomed - although they resented the title. Jakko from Finland and Rob from England. Oooh, there were a lot of people throwing their toys out of the pram and coming over all temperamental this week. Ring Pull named four visitors, then decided they had gone home - Yank Him, Northern Yankee, No More and Sivert. But two of them at least hadn't gone - they were just jolly well not going to be called visitors - so there! The GM put all her considerable negotiating skills on display and told them to shut up and drink, which they sullenly did. Some people do take things a little too seriously, don't they?

Even the returnees, Eureka and Lost and Found, seemed to be a bit grouchy when they were called in.
"I was here last week!" - "I was never a member!" etc etc.

Lost and Found managed to remain in the limelight by inviting all hashers to take part in a ridiculous concept called the Hash Challenge. As far as I can tell, you head off into the jungle in teams of four, and about three days later the rangers find your mangled remains and inform your next of kin. Oh, and you pay for the privilege. (Only the brain-free need apply, presumably? -Ed.)

Now, on the run, in a spirit of irony, I trust, Walkie (Don't-Call-Me-Warlike) Talkie suggested that she, Cookie, Indecent Exposure and I should put a team together. Oh, what a lark! How we laughed! Of course, we were overheard by one of the whips, as you will see later…

Hare Whip Boo had a thoroughly justifiable charge against absentee GM Astronut for leaving the now peripatetic cards at the run site last week. Lookalike Squire - who seems to be lookalike for anyone, of any race or sex - took the punishment.

Mystery Whop (Now that's just a staightforward typo, isn't it? - Ed.) Strapless called in Armless for being German. Or something. Then he got even more politically incorrect by calling in the dusky-hued Molester for trying to make himself even darker by flinging himself into the toxic black mud on numerous occasions. Molester is leaving for the UK soon, so he was treated to the usual friendly, warm-hearted, "Fuck off, you c-t!" response from the merry throng.

MMW was the demure and retiring Indianus, who was as usual obsessing on men, dicks, bums, sex, more sex, and all things tasteful. Stiff was apparently still frustrated after a brief encounter with Indy's bum (Or a bum encounter with Indy's briefs? - Ed.) on Wednesday and tried to repeat the obviously life-changing experience somewhere on the trail, then muttered enticingly an invitation for her to sit on his face, before finally goosing her in the car park. And him a married man. Disgraceful, I call it. Coo Chi Coo also jumped on her and wanted to suck some part of her anatomy. White Chinamen flashed her. Do we see a pattern here? Well, I think it's all the product of the overheated fantasies of a sex-crazed but frustrated imagination, myself. Sara Lee was also whipped for suggested she did something unspeakable with some used toilet paper (not guilty, honest!)

Gypsy and Quicksand were charged with racing on the hash, which just means that they went past a resentful Indy. And she wasn't going to take that lying down. (Doesn't normally bother her. - Ed.)

Lost and Found was dragged in to represent the Hash Challenge just so she could also drag in the Walkie Talkie Dream Team and sneer at them. Bitch. Apparently, we need a man (any spare please send to me) so White Chinaman was forced to join us, and managed to compound his girlie status by being unable to finish his beer. So threw it over his shoulder. All over the GM. Tee hee! Ring Pull snarled, swore, and made him do it again till he got it right, to Gypsy's delighted cry of "He's gonna spew!" (So sensitive, that boy…) Anyway, he didn't - at least, not there and then, but he did disappear into the car park for a suspiciously long time afterwards.

Lacy Lady was awarded her 150 runs T-shirt.

Then the limelight-coveting Gypsy was allowed to take centre stage. "Dearly Beloved…" he intoned solemnly. Yes, it was Hash Wedding time for Foot Rot and Puss in Boots. The purpose of this ceremony is to ritually humiliate the unfortunate couple and give the rest of us a jolly good laugh. So the recently hitched pair were dressed in silly hats, toilet paper etc., and subjected to lots of scurrilous allusions to their sex lives, masturbatory memories and illicit affairs. The ceremony culminated in a tender song. The soloist for this was a gallant Aye Aye and his backing group - and I'd better get this right 'cos those boys are always ticking me off for missing them out of things - Chastity Belt, Phoney Dick, and King Leer. And possibly, nay, probably Beagles, since he always hangs around with that lot after school.
The unhappy couple were then presented with Zipp's famous necklaces. Foot Rot's was too small. "Like the condoms' he shouted. In your dreams, Froggy Boy!
I leapt into the circle to try and snatch the bouquet from the bride, but missed. Bloody hell! Dirty Hacker got it - and what use is it to him? Rats.

Big Hammer was pussywhipped this week Sorry - that should read Pussy Whip. He called in Rusty Tits for actually wanting - nay, yearning - to be in the circle, thus showing himself to be a bit of a - well - pussy.

Ring Pull made up some cock-and-bull story about having had no time to play with the Prick of the Week as Free Willy came home the Sunday after. Do we believe her, chaps.? (No - Ed.) Poor Chastity Belt had his shortcomings laid open to the public (Don't they have treatment available for that? - Ed.) as he firstly announced that all checks were the same and then waffled on about t-checks thus proving that all checks aren't the same. Confused? Don't worry about it, 'cos he didn't get it. Neither did Well Laid, who was laying carpets before the run. Well, that's the way I heard it. Inky (now that was the Spell Check) got it. I thought she had a closet full of well-oiled vibrators, so what she needs another for is anyone's guess. For being a frustrated bitch or something (told you!) even with her "Fuck Me" shoes, which, as you all know by now, were actually left in trust with her by Lynxx for the one who really needs them - me! And the cow stole them, trying to fob me off with a pair of her "Don't bother - I'm a dyke" clodhoppers in exchange. I'm still plotting my revenge, never fear!

AOB Armless came out into the circle but for no other reason than to show off his comic German accent. (It's not real, you know. He's actually from Swansea.) He came out with the reflection that the French haven't got enough Concordes to get rid of all the Germans, which reminds me…

….and so on. But I digress.

Anyway, in a spirit of conciliation Armless declared that he has discovered that he and Foot Rot are now actually related by marriage. I think he'd been at the wacky baccy again…

Off to Karu's.
The on-on was the usual jolly affair, most notable on our table for Aftershock inventing a new drink - Fish Eyeball Lassi. Which Squire thoroughly enjoyed. As I said - anything for attention.

Got to dash now. You know where.
On on!

Bleak Widow

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