Run No. 934

Date: 18 August 2000

Where: Rifle Range Road

Hares: Dim Sum, Strapless and Lacy Lady

Members: 62
Guests: 19
Virgins: 2
Visitors: 6
Returnees: 3

I suffered from the delights of pubic transport again and arrived at the run site at 6.15 with nowhere to park my bag - but then was given a chance to earn brownie points with the Great Grand Master in the sky as a similarly transport-challenged American visitor arrived at the same time and I selflessly did my Mother Theresa bit and offered to sacrifice my chance at a run and look after his gear for him as he loped off. I spent an amusing half hour watching the monkeys fornicating. It was obviously a fairly short - and short cuttable - trail as the front runners were in well before seven, and this group included King Leer and Phoney Dick!!

And still on the subject of public transport, poor old Astronut had a tale of woe concerning the recalcitrant BMW, which is now in a coma after a crankshaft meltdown. The GM seemed thoroughly bewildered to be reduced to relying on his wife's runabout - so I gave him some useful advice about the Singapore bus system. For some reason, this seemed to amuse him…

When the circle finally got underway after a certain amount of difficulty locating a light source, Astronut damned with faint praise and declared that it was an OK run. Strapless announced the ever-popular Red Lantern on-on and Kiasu Lun announced next week's run at Yishun Avenue 1 all the way in - which phrase he was delighted to repeat with ever more graphic gestures several times.

Ring Pull hove into view to call in virgins Melinda and Dirk.

Visitors were Comes Alone, Flood Nuts, Virginia Slim (or Vagina Slime, as he is tastefully known) Steve, Fireball and Stand In Shit. The "Shit" family gains yet another adopted son..

Welcome returnees were Mouthful, Halfpenny and Captain Red Arrow.

The Captain was here for a routine medical check, but I was given a salutary lesson about the greying nature of the hash population by the fact that when we were all standing around chatting before the circle, the conversation seemed to centre on male down-there type problems such as periscope-up-the-bottom investigations and prostate surgery. At any moment I expected the assembled old farts representatives (you know who you are!) to compare trusses and swap Viagra stories...

Back in the circle, Astronut suddenly lost his voice and started squeaking like a ferret on helium. Must have been the shock of my mention of the public bus service. Manfully bringing himself under control, he called in the Hare Whip, which consisted of a self referential affair when Lacy Lady called in her co-hares for forcing her to be the Hare Whip, which she -er - wasn't, if you see what I mean. So that was it for her.

Dim Sum picked up the dropped baton. He charged Kiasu Lun with being kiasu with Mad Dog - they both arrived at 5.15 and promptly set off on the run, afraid to lose out on their early start.

Ring Pull called in Zipp to receive her award for 100 runs. Zipp had been given plenty of warning and was quite prepared to whip her shirt off, but uxorious (now, I'm quite sure CCC doesn't know what that means) Gypsy spoiled everyone's fun by disconnecting the light. He needn't have worried. Zipp's distinctly unerotic industrial-strength sports top left absolutely everything to the imagination.

The Mystery Whip was Suzee Wong, who accused Astronut of running the hash LKY style - he tells everyone else to check but resolutely refuses to do anything as menial as that himself (Is that what they call delegation? - Ed) And that was it. Whips seem to be suffering from an attack of minimalism these days.

But not all. It was now time for one of our regular exhibitionists to take over.

Froggy boy Footrot, who obviously needs to get a life, had spent all week preparing a bag of tricks to embarrass someone specific. He wittered on in incomprehensible Gallic fashion about perversion on the hash and people who need props to aid their sexual enjoyment. Sara Lee was "chosen" as a guinea pig. Now I was having trouble following Footrot's strangled vowels but his story was something to do with the progress of mankind's sartorial development. Anyway, it was all just a ploy to get the hapless Sara Lee to don a fetching red dress and blond wig (I was getting little worried about some of the male hashers' - er - arousal at this point - and the fact that Sara Lee felt absolutely at home in the outfit). The point of the story was a simple one - the Sara Lees have just produced a baby and Footrot's primitive arithmetic supported the contention that conception occurred just after the Red Dress Run last year.

Doggy Style lolloped into the circle and the couple gave us an enthusiastic simulation of baby-making….

Indianus waltzed into the circle with a heavily bandaged Prick of the Week. No wonder she gets through a vibrator a month - she obviously gives them an inordinate amount of punishment. (Wonder what her men look like when she's finished with them - Ed.) Of course, she had to milk the moment for all it was worth, so she called in about the half the membership as possible candidates. Firstly, Inga for asking innocently where the loo was at the run site. Howls of derision from seasoned hashers, whom as we know pee everywhere. (Nice line from Zipp, pointing to nearby timber - "It's called a lavatree"…) She might need the dick to keep her company next time she gets lost in the jungle. Halfpenny has been complaining about her personal life - maybe she needs the dick to give it a bit of a kick-start. White Chinaman tried to put it in her mouth (that's what it says in my notes - no idea what it means) so obviously he needs practice. Coo Chi Coo rudely suggested where she could put her empty beer bottle. Well of course, this was all so much window dressing for her patently obvious here-come-de-grudge charge against your scribe for my oh-so-accurate reportage of the state of her frustrations in last week's newsletter. Of course, she tried to claim the "Fuck Me" shoes as her own again (hey, Indy - the circle's got your number, baby!) and made up some totally spurious whinge about my being jealous as she gets more dick than I do.

Pussy of the Week was presented by the I've-just-had-chemo boy, the shaven Rusty Tits. He used the tried and tested method of making a charge by totally inventing it. He said he had taken the Pussy out to dinner ("Oh no you didn't - it was in my car," says the GM) and he met Molester ("Absolute rubbish!" cries Molester). Molester fancied the Pussy so much that he tried to attack Rusty Tits on the run, thumped him on the head and - this is where it gets surreal - took all his hair. (I don't know what that boy puts in his tea but I'm sure its not legal - Ed.) The Pussy had also been goosing a few girls tonight, particularly Jack Off, Doggie Style and Mouthful - they all loved the attention. Now this is sad. You know you've got trouble when you stat appreciation being molested by a furry animal. (Well, you don't mind - Ed.)

AOB - A very urbane Doris announced that weird thing had just happened to him in the circle (one wit cried - "You got laid!") Someone apparently had whined "You've taken my place!" A territorial Hooray was whipped for this bizarre conversational gambit.

Sara Lee called in Footrot for demonstrating that nothing is sacred on the hash by telling everyone that Sara Lee was going to have a vasectomy on his vacation. So he's decided to wait until he gets back and see if Death Wish can do it for free at the on-on. Can't wait.

Rusty Tits got Stash for sleeping on the hash. Any ideas? Answers on a postcard, please…

CCC whipped Inga for ignoring the best line of the evening - her friend saying "Inga made me come". Har, har, har. Shame, isn't I? There he is, successful, middle-aged corporate man, etc. And he still thinks smutty elementary school jokes are high wit and repartee.

Now it has to be said that by this stage the circle was in total disarray. Private parties everywhere, Gypsy providing special lighting effects, beer running out, GMs trying ineffectually to keep order etc. So the on-on was announced and everyone drivelled off to the Red Lantern.

On on

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