Date: 15 Sept 2000
Where: The end of the universe " Pasir Ris Park
Hares: Barf Wader, Lacy Lady and No More
Members: Ooh - quite a lot
Guests: 16
Virgins: 1
Visitors: 2
Returnees: 2
I took my notes to the Colbar last night hoping to get some beer-driven inspiration. Unfortunately the beer got all over my notes so they now look like something Dali might have painted under the influence of some mind-altering substance. Never mind " I'm sure my army of arm chair critics (You mean the Old Farts, don't you? " Ed.) out there will put me right should I fail to decipher the blurred scrawl correctly!
Barf Wader, whose birthday run it was, and her co-hares set a very pretty run through coastal scrub, beach etc, even though it seemed at times that we were actually running in concentric circles in an area of about half an acre. Back at the run site it was obvious that this wasn't a run for the faint hearted as various people displayed their bleeding wounds " Indy had a fetching gash on her knee and Boris Balls managed to put a spike through his foot. Free Willy muscled in on the act and tried to get some sympathy for his girlie graze. Still, a few beers put the troops to rights and then it was time for the proceedings of the night.
Astronut called in the hares and proclaimed it a good run especially when compared to last week's debacle.
Barf Wader announced that not only was the on-on heavily subsidised (Mr. Ho's roast lamb for $5!) but the hares were also providing Danish pastries and stuff for dessert. Definitely a good run, roared the easily-bought circle in approval. Barf Wader also had to suffer her birthday down-down at this point and left the circle looking slightly awash.
Next week's hare was the grave and venerable Dirty Hacker, who informed the circle with becoming melancholy that the end of Dairy Farm Road, the original venue, had transmogrified into a four-lane highway. So now next week's ruin is at the covered reservoir by the Island Country Club - you know the place.
A singular virgin graced the circle with his Gallic presence - Jean Francois (how do you put that silly little squiggle under the “c”? " answers on a postcard please). Footrest apparently made him come. No - I'm not going to say anything - too easy.
A visitor from Monday hash was - well, I won't say welcomed - but tolerated. He hasn't got a hash name, but his friends, if he has any, call him Spanner. (Something to do with his tool? - Ed.) Oh very funny - you just had to crowbar that in, didn't you? (Sorry. Just thought that someone should hammer it home - Ed.) I think I'll wrench myself away from this topic!!
Another visitor was also a returnee from about twelve years ago - Self Abuse from down under. He's obviously a sandwich short of a picnic or he's been living in the twilight zone (Isn't that what living in Oz is all about? - Ed.) as he thought that Coo Chi Coo and I were still the Grand Thingies. Look, I know we haven't changed at all - well, CCC might have got a bit shorter - but that was a bit daft.
At this point Astronut tried to prise apart our resident Velcro couple - Slocum and Jack Off but, like Siamese twins, obviously nothing less than surgical separation is going to do the job. In fact, the virus seems to be spreading, as Stash and Serena were seen coming over all touchy-feely as well. Where will it all end?
It was with a sigh of relief that I turned back to the circle activities. Returnees Boris Balls and Long Suffering were welcomed back and managed to refrain from sticking their tongues down each others throats as they consumed their down-downs with admirable restraint. And decorum.
The Hare Whip, Barf Wader, kept it in the family by ungratefully charging her co-hare, Lacy Lady, with going bananas over some imagined snake sighting.
Death Wish IV, apparently a founder member, had tortuously managed to notch up 250 runs in about as many years. We'll all be using Zimmer frames by the time he gets to 300!!
The Mystery Whip was Titmouse. I give him full marks for keeping his eyes and ears open on the run as - yes - I did say how much better my knees were these days and " yes " I did then launch myself straight down into the shrubbery straight afterwards (Leading with your head again were you? - Ed.) Thankfully, not this time.
Anyway, the meany gave me a down down. And another one for forgetting to acknowledge his 150th run.
However, he managed to shoot himself in the foot by calling in Ring Rull for not wearing a hash t-shirt. Bit of a silly thing to do when you're not wearing one yourself, wouldn't you say? Astronut also got him for totting up his number of hash runs incorrectly. Thirty & all.
It was all getting a bit incestuous now as Mystery Mystery Whip Boo brought in Astronut for correcting the whip when everyone knows the whip is always right even when he is wrong. No so, says the redoubtable and power-crazed Astronut - I'm the GM and I can do what I like, so there.
Boo also criticised the boy racers who charged in together in an orgy of testosterone-fuelled rivalry " Rusty Twats (fair enough) and - er - Coo Chi Coo" (who really should know better).
The elegantly-togged Spiderman was called in for being too well-dressed. He explained that he was only there to flog the new Street Directory.
Boo wanted to whip Murkily for leaving Bark Wader in the lurch but since he wasn't there (Wasn't that the point? - Ed.) Coo Chi Coo did lookalike duties.
The long lost Hash Shit turned up with Lost Patrol who presented it to Boogie Hammer, totally unfairly, in your scribe's opinion.
Lost Patrol always presents me with a problem as I can never work out what the fuck he's on about - I mean, it's English and all that, but not as we know it. He first of all tried to get Mr. Velcro to detach himself from his limpet-like significant other - no chance there. Then he rambled on about the Ipanema Bar, Rusty Tights, Gecko needing a bit of pussy and a quick exposition of Einstein's Theory of Relativity before awarding the Pussy to Boo for being the best kweilo on the hash. Yes. Let's move on!
Ring Pull tried to auction off the last key with Cashcard attached. Spanner was the culprit. (He got nailed for that, then?- Ed.) Oh, do give it a rest.
AOB - Indianus was coming over all patriotic and wearing a pair of Aussie shorts, and was understandably miffed when froggie boy Footrest accused her of wearing the Union Jack. What else did she expect from that heathen lot?
Free Willy approached me at this point and asked me if I wanted a big one or a small one. I thought my luck was in, but alas, he was just warning me that I was due for a certain amount of unwelcome recognition pretty soon.
And so I was. Vietnam Rose's spy, Washtub, had been talking to me in Anywhere on Friday and insisted that I said I was GM of the Harriets. Personally, I blame modern grammar teaching - people have no idea of tenses there days. Was, I said , was !
Stash whipped Ring Pull for being ever so organised about hares giving her advance knowledge of where their run is going to be, and then cocking it all up. Or something. He also had something to say about Velcro Man having to learn how to do the accounts with just one hand, the other being permanently involved in more interesting pursuits.
Corny Linguist barrelled in shirtlessly, inspiring Sybil to horrify the onlookers by attempting to emulate him. Luckily, she thought better of it, to everyone's relief. He had a tale of woe involving nearly running out of petrol on the way to the run, and the best that his three passengers could come up with was stopping the car, running to the nearest petrol station and running back. Duh! Well done, Vietnam Rose!
Then there was some stuff about the Dinner and Dance. The theme is apparently black and white. What on earth am I going to do? I haven't a thing to wear!
Well, that's about all I've got folks. The trouble about writing the newsletter is that by the time I write the fourth page of notes at the circle I've had a few and it all looks like rubbish, and by the time of transcribing the fourth page of notes, - like, now - the same thing applies. (A case of the blind reading the blind? - Ed.) Something like that.
Can I get back to the Olympics now? Thanks.
On on
Blank Wino
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