Run No. 941
Date: 7 October 2000
Where: Ponggol Marina
Hares: Comes Early and Michael
Members: 52
Guests: 19
Virgins: 5
Visitors: 3
Returnees: 3

A long bus trip cross country was enlivened by my managing to pick up three men at Hougang - Jenever and a couple of KLM buddies who were also braving the public transport route. Funny - I thought pilots were paid a bit more than that. I mean I know why I can't afford a taxi, but really, guys! And between the four of us we still managed to miss the bus stop (but they all have navigational qualifications - amazing they ever manage to find Singapore) and had to be rescued by a similarly befuddled Stiff. Good thing too, as the marina's miles from the road. And that wasn't the end of navigational cock-ups on this run. More of that later.
Before the off, Ring Pull hauled the virgins in to introduce themselves. All men I'm pleased to report. And spied in the circle were ex-GM Flashman and wifey En Suite - and an aptly lurking Molester. (Didn't we just say good-bye to him? - Ed.)
The hares had an obsession with t-checks - fine by me - and the first check saw our impetuous Ring Pull leaping off on the close-by in-trail despite Shit Stream screaming himself hoarse trying to inform all the lemmings that followed her that they were going the wrong way. No dice. Such is her charisma that the lemmings followed her headlong plunge and that was the last we saw of half the pack for - you've guessed it - half the run. The run itself was pretty nice, even if we kept running over the same bits of road over and over again, and the hares had thoughtfully negotiated with God to provide some entertaining meteorological touches - a stunning double rainbow and a glorious sunset. However, the highlight of the run for most was the intersection of the lemmings and non-lemmings halfway round as the two packs squeezed past each other in the jungle. It would have been fun if the Velcro Kids had been separated - we could have been treated by a Gone With The Wind type reunion, no doubt in slow motion - but of course they never lost sight - or hold - of each other.
OK, Ponggol's not what it was, but the hares took us through varied scenic parts of what's left and everyone arrived back in good time, albeit from widely differing directions. And I maintained a surprising closeness to Stuffy throughout - first he was behind me, then in front, then beside. Actually, I think he just wanted to moan about the name he'd ended up with in last week's report and plead for better treatment from me. Of course, Stoopy, no problem.
Despite some uncharitable grumbles, Astronut declared in orotund tones that it had been a good run - after all, it's hardly the hares' fault if some hashers have slightly less brain matter than a headless chicken and George W. Bush combined. Comes Early and Michael down-downed and compounded their well-done-virgin-hares status by declaring that they were shouting the first $100 worth of beer.
The virgin came in and introduced themselves again - Steve, Niels, Ronald, Nelson and - I hope this is right - Kniyoshi.
Visitors Jaako, Ken and John Goldenberg were welcomed.
The returnees did their thing, although Free Willy was distinctly miffed when En Suite and Flashman showed that he was redundant by bypassing him to appropriate their own beers. Molester's returnee status was roundly jeered, Ring Pull commenting: "He's like a stray dog you feed and then can't get rid of."
The circle was pretty noisy next to me with all the usual suspects who should know better - Pony Dick, Dirty Hacker, King Leer, Murkily etc. keeping up a permanent and vocal commentary on the action. So bear with me if some of the charges are not exactly as you remember them.
The Hare Whip was the as yet unnamed Michael, who came over all technical and went on about trail-related issues rather than the usual smut and gossip stuff. Firstly he called in Ring Pull for starting her own hash at the first check. Bit of an obvious one, that. Then he wittered on about people going across 17th Avenue when they should have gone straight and then cowering in the bushes. Or something, Comes Alone and Ripper were somehow guilty of - er - something.
Time for milestones. The first was awarded for 165 runs - not normally an achievement, but that's because Titmouse is never at the circle to receive his 150 runs t-shirt. ("Because he's always bonking his wife by then." - Dirty Hacker, commenting sourly on the uxorious relationship between Titmouse and Bo-Peep.) Then Suzee Wong was lauded for her 50 runs, and did something very clever with her t-shirt to cries of "Off!Off!" - aided by a prancing Free Willy.
Mystery Whip Indecent Exposure was delighted to find herself an FRB, but then found she was seduced into shortcutting by the canny Molly.
Her second charge involved Indianus and virgin John who decided he wanted to join the Come family (Comes Early, Comes Alone, Slocum etc) by yelling at Indy at every opportunity "I'm coming, Indy!" to which Indy responded with her trademark orgasmic laugh.
MMW was the gentlemanly and urbane Armadildo - which meant I heard very little of what he said owing to the vulgar and insensitive mob next to me. Firstly he got the Velcro Kids, Jack Off (Vel) and Slocum (Cro) 'cos he spied Cro picking up pretty little shells for Vel on the beach. All together now. Aaaah!
The beach figured largely in his next charge, too. Yes, we'd all seen the girlies - Loose Change, Hand Job, Vietnam Rose and Iron Crotch taking their photo opportunity. (I thought they were just trying to avoid running, as usual - Ed.) Armadildo charged them with being secret talent scouts for Baywatch.
Armadiddlo then went on the inform us that after the run he'd made a terrible discovery. .("You're American!" one wag suggested.) No. It was that cannibalism still existed in Singapore, and he produced King Leer's bone to prove it. Not as disgusting as it sounds, but surreal all the same. What exactly were you doing with a large bone on the hash, KL?
Prick of the Week was the still less-than-grunted Steffi. He had a list of possibles. Indianus for the "I'm coming, Indy!" story. "Must be the first man who's ever said that before her," was his misogynistic comment. White Chinamen for calling on-on when he was going in the wrong direction. And Boo, who noticed we were passing through all the illegal workers hidden camps and had visions of catching them all and being promoted to judge. Boo got it, and Kiasu Lun did lookalike duties.
Vietnam Rose hove into the circle to promote the D&D, and suggested we all get our tickets from Iron Crouch. Not a Spell Check error - that's what she said. Hey! Get off, Rose, - mangling names is my job.

AOB - Ring Pull apparently had tried to catch up on hash gossip with Foo Foo who hasn't been around for a while. She asked if he was still dating Ivy. "I married her two weeks ago," was the response. Why Foo Foo rather that Ring Pull got the down-down for this is anyone's guess.
No Good had trouble finding the run tonight: she doesn't get e-mails and won't phone the hotline as she can't understand Dirty Hacker's good ol' boy accent. (Hey, but the music's good though - Ed.) And to add insult to injury she finds that Jack Off has e-mailed everyone asking, "If you have e-mail, let me know." Duh! Too much sex obviously rots the brain.
Phoney had something to say about Hand Job's comment that low tide smells like someone's farted - a good excuse next time a gent farts in bed -"It's just low tide."
Astronut then came over all territorial and got Flashman for entering the circle without being invited. (I thought this was AOB? - Ed.) Get a couple of GMs together and the egos have landed, obviously.
Flashman took it in his stride and continued with his charge, which was that in England, just as in Singapore, consultants drive BMWs, taxi drivers drive Toyotas and blonde bimbos drive cute little Mercedes SLKs. Blonde bimbo wannabe Death Wish 4 was duly abused.
Sara Lee charged the KLM guys for being secret talent scouts for the newly-legalised Dutch prostitution industry. And then he got all the virgins to don hash t-shirts. The beer ran out at this stage and there was an unholy scramble for any dregs left, I was jealously guarding mine which was just as well as I caught Phoney Ditch trying to half-inch it. Don't worry, PD - I hear they can sew fingers back on quite effectively these days.
Then to the on-on at the Marina, which was very well attended. (Something to do with the free beer? - Ed.) Food was excellent, too. But I missed the excitement later on when a load of night owls carried on to Anywhere and later to Newton Circus where someone so objected to Indy's laugh that they threw a beer bottle at her table.
I heard this yesterday when a few sad hash junkies slogged up to the JB City 350th in Johor. My car was navigated by committee - yes, Jenever was there again - and yes - we got horribly lost. Still, a jolly good time was had by all, even Impossible and Too Good who arrived even later than wee did and had to do most of the run on their own. Indy's team put up a creditable show in the boat race, winning our heat, and I represented Lion City in the Artistic Gymnastics competition. Don't all laugh at once.

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