Run No. 945
Date: Friday 3 November 2000
Where: Jalan Kampong Chantek
Hares: Bo Peep and Titmouse
Members: 54
Guests: 22
Virgins: 1
Visitors: 2
Returnees: 3 - if you include Molester (again!)

After a thoroughly entertaining but somewhat - er - excessive weekend at the rugby sevens it's a bit of a strain trying to remember the events of Friday. Actually, it's a bit of a strain trying to remember who actually won the tournament or how I ended up playing drinking games at two o'clock this morning or what my name is but (You took the job so get on with it -Ed.) - Okay. Deep breath, two aspirins and let's go…

After some of the marathons of recent weeks, it was something of a relief to be presented with a brief and gentle nature ramble through the jungle where the pace seldom rose above the leisurely. Back at the run site, the pack was treated to a veritable tuck shop full of goodies. The hares provided ice creams and lollies for all, and Doggie Style and Sara Lee threw in various snackie things, so the pack was thoroughly spoiled.

Replete with ice-cream, the circle unanimously declared the run to be not just good, but great - and the hares carried on achieving stellar status by declaring that the first crate of beer at the on-site on-on would be free.

Next week's run was announced by Armadildo to be the annual Scorpio run.

Virgin Raymond was welcomed by Ring Pull, who proceeded to thoroughly embarrass the poor chap by recounting an earlier conversation with him. What did he think of the run? "Well - okay, I suppose," was the whiningly grudging response. Will he be coming again? "Oh, I might…" Not a born-again hasher, obviously.

Visitors Slack Arse and Lanchop were called in. Yes, his name really is Lanchop, and while his mate Nonok was telling me why, the story proved so tortuous that I nodded off a couple of times. So I won't repeat it here. I want to be finished with this before next week's run.

Nonok was brought into the circle as a returnee, as was Mouthful. By popular demand, Ring Pull attempted to drag in Molester, but he came over all shy and retiring (A first for him surely? - Ed.) and refused to join in the festivities.

Hare Whip Titmouse had obviously been preparing for his moment of glory for several weeks, and entered the circle with a large and ominous hold-all. He recalled a recent story in the paper about a certain group of obviously demented martial arts types whose claim to fame is that they can pull 14-ton trucks with their dongs. As several people noted, Dickless had tried this once and look where it got him. Titmouse unveiled his secret weapon - a toy truck with string and bulldog clip attachments - and asked for recommendations from the circle as to who should be selected to re-enact the feat. Another member of the Dick family - Phoney Dick - was an obvious choice, and Boo was roped in to represent the Master Race. Bo Peep attached the clips to the members' members. And all was in place for an heroic and memorable tug-of-war as the unfortunate pair bade a mournful farewell to their respective appendages. Still, not to worry. Phoney Dick lived up to his name as his bulldog clip pinged off and Boo was declared Man with Rod of Iron.

The it was time for a positively huge milestone to a huge presence on the hash. Yes, this is probably the only time I'll be able to use the word huge in the same paragraph as a reference to Coo Chi Coo, so I'm going to revel in it. CCC has run on this hash a towering (Stop it with the irony! - Ed.) 700 times and was awarded pewter and a grope from Ring Pull as she helped him on with his t-shirt.

The Mystery Whip was not a surprise to me, since it was moi. Now it's a bit difficult to remember my charges since whoever took over my scribing duties has just added the following "Mystery Whip - Block Window." Well, thanks for the hint, but I think I remember that bit. And then underneath has added "Alpha type female bitch." Very helpful.
I know who you are. Be afraid. Be very afraid….

I firstly called in Strapless for the offence of having a very public piss at the start of the run. Second charge was Wickless for innocently telling me about his very expensive new shoes and multiple hand phone conversations during the run. The real Alpha Bitch Female tried to wrestle this charge from me since she wanted it for Pussy of the Week - which led to an unseemly blood-soaked confrontation in the circle as we fought over the whippee like two dogs with a particularly tasty bone. Not that I know anything about Diskless' bone, you understand. Just a figure of speech. Anyway, I won, so there! I should have got Stuffy in at this point as he had said on the run, "I must be running slowly tonight - I can hear Squire miles ahead. Oops - I hope you're not the Mystery Whip!" But I forgot. Sorry, Stoopy - I'll get you next time. Ad Nauseam and Ugly Bum were hauled in for succumbing to the dreaded Velcro virus and running along holding hands. And Armadildo had made a particularly damaging admission to me at the beer wagon. "Before discovering the hash, I used to be a respectable businessman. Now I wear a skirt, say fuck in public - and get to have sex with four women on stage." I believe the latter was referring to his recent stage act with the Harriets, but who knows? Maybe he has a night job in Geylang that none of us knows about….

A little known fact about Armadildo and Falsies is that they are fancy dress freaks. And I do mean freaks. Once they went to a party dressed as an outhouse - what we Brits would call an outside loo. Yes, they walked round in a shed all night. Another time they went as a pair of dice and spent all evening rolling themselves around the floor. And they think the hash is weird!

But I digress. Enough of the sordid personal life of this peculiar duo.

Mystery Mystery Whip was the visiting Nonok. Firstly he got Sybil for warning the girls about the dangerous slippery section on the run. "What about the boys?" he wanted to know. And anyway, Sybil is definitely dangerous to them - so she was duly whipped. He had also spotted the lovey-dovey Ad Nauseam and Ugly Bum. Obviously Ugly Bum is feeling frisky these days as she attempted to wheedle a bit of sexual harassment out of Nonok, but to no avail. (Watch out boys - it could be your turn next -Ed.)
Then Nonok came over all local and corrected Boo's Chinese for calling out not "too many kweilos" as usual, but "too many lady kweilos." He should know better, intoned the knowledgeable one. A female kweilo is in fact called a kweipo. You always wanted to know that, didn't you? All a bit technical for me.

The latest addition to the hash's store of aids for the severely sexually dysfunctional amongst us - the Tongue - was presented by Steptoe. He obviously had no idea what to do with it as he's been using it as a massager all week and had lots of harmless fun. He firstly toyed with Squire - or Mama Anus as he is now known to many. I'm not going to go into the ins and outs of his anus fixation with you (Sound revolting! - Ed.) - just ask any Harriet. Eventually, though, he settled on Titmouse for setting a back check just outside the car park. Titmouse returned with the sex toy gingerly held by two fingers, only to be greeted by wifey Bo Peep who hissed venomously, "That's not going to go in our bedroom." Obviously Titmouse doesn't need it. Or Bo Peep has an aversion to long, pink wiggly things…

Ring Pull inherited the Pussy from the absent Free Wally. She had done plastic surgery on it and lovingly restored it to pristine condition. Now she finally had her way with the luckless Dickless - or should that be the lickless Duckless - for showing off his new shoes.

The Prick was awarded by Aye Aye, obviously still smarting from my crack about illiterate engineers a couple of weeks ago. So he quoted from the Straits Times (Oh, come on - someone read it out to him - Ed.) Since his story was all about football, I lost the plot here. Something about England getting a new manager from Sweden. And Stash looking like Kevin Keegan. Bogless also got called in for something but I was away with the fairies by this stage. Anyway, someone got the Prick. Look, I've had a long weekend and I'm not at my best.

AOB - Gypsy brought in Phoney Dick because Lebanon almost beat Wales at rugby. (What's with this sports fixation? - Ed.) Beats me.

Front Arse wanted to criticise Lanchop's outfit, but was howled down by the baying circle when they noticed the dinky little transparent plastic sandals he was wearing.

Earlier in the week I had referred to Indianus as Alpha Bitch Female 2 when she nearly managed to cut down the Harriets' membership by 50% by leading the pack against a red traffic signal. Ring Pull was not amused at having her title trifled with when I told her earlier in the evening.. Baring her fangs at me, she declared that in fact Indy only makes it to Beta Bitch Female grade. She was duly whipped for hubris. (Another Greek word. Is this an intellectual hash, or what?)

Vietnam Rose went in not so much to advertise the dinner-dance but to impose her authority on the whole occasion. As you know the theme is black-and-white, and if Rose has her way, you won't be allowed in if you're so much as wearing a condom that doesn't adhere to the colour scheme. And she's going to check everyone personally. Ring Pull declared her Gamma Bitch.

After all the bitchery stuff, it was a relief when Coo Chi Coo came in to regale us with his clutch of newspaper stories. One man punished his girlfriend by plucking out her pubic hair. 60% of Chinese men over 40 have erectile dysfunction, Viagra works better on Chinese than Caucasians. And so it went on - and on - and - on. But this was all foreplay to his real charge which involved the bra story. A British doctor had declared that bras are dangerous and should be discarded, a sentiment of which our slavering randy little sexist pig totally approves. But some Singaporean doctor had refuted his findings, and decided bras were necessary, thus ruining Coo Chi's dream of millions of unfettered mammaries swaying in the breeze with pert little nipples straining against wet t-shirts - am I on the right lines, CCC?. Death Wish 4 took the rap as representative medical personage.

Ductless, laden with the tell tale new shoe and Pussy, whipped CCC for asking when he was going to be invited to his wife's breast-feeding sessions. That boy is just incorrigible.

And I know it was his 700th run, but CCC was hogging just a bit too much of the limelight at this stage. Melon Balls noted that he had been annoyed on the run that no-one ever patted him on the bum, so Melon Balls invited him to assume a recumbent posture whilst various Alpha, Beta and Gamma Bitch Females attempted to mount, fondle and otherwise molest him. Of course, the little sod minded this not one whit, and was heard to gleefeully exclaim that he got a great flash of Indy's g-string.

Obviously, things were now going sadly downhill and it was time for Mr. Ho's excellent on-on. Then I got a lift back to the Colbar from Falsies and Armadildo where they told me all sorts of entertaining anecdotes. I particularly liked the one where they got trapped in a rainstorm in New Orleans and took cover in a nearby shop only to find out it was a combination sex-shop and massage parlour, much to their dismay. But I promised faithfully that I wouldn't tell anyone about that so I'd better stop there…

On on!

Omega Bitch Female

Black Widow

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