Run No. 953

Date: Friday 29 December 2000

Where: The British Club

Hares: Posh Duck, Too Wet, Hungry Bum, Loose Change

Members: 49

Guests: 21

Virgins: 34

Visitors: 6

Returnees: 3

I came all the way back from Blighty for the last ruin of the Millennium – that’s right folks, this is the true Millennium as there was (obviously) no Year Zero. A large crowd was gathered at the top car park at the British Club looking slightly the worse for wear from Christmas excesses but game for a good run round a well known but still rewarding area. I was suffering rather more than most having been force-fed Italian food by my mother for the previous three weeks and having taken no more exercise than an occasional walk to the pub and a single run with the London Hash that was itself little more than a rather longer walk to the pub. 

So off we lurched down the hill – this was the easy bit – and I was keeping up all right for the first bit until we went off the road into the jungle by the steep path. There I was spooked by the sight of Mouthful’s death-defying dive down the slippery slope which ended up in a full-twist double forward somersault. (I gave it 9.5 – Ed.) I took it very gingerly after that, but was given plenty of advice about short cuts from the hares and the ever-resourceful Boo, so I missed some chunks of the run. Still, the bits I did were scenic, wet and fun, and I had a chance to catch up with some of my favourite Old Farts’ doings on the way. I was interested to note Stuffy’s David Beckham haircut – is he going through some sort of mid-life crisis or what? I hear many of the pack missed out on some of the loops, but all came back in good time and Mouthful looked battered but unbowed from her experience, I’m glad to say.

A somewhat ramshackle circle was called to order, if that’s what you can call it, by a solitary GM – Astronut. People were discussing holidays, sitting around on cars, exchanging gossip, and basically acting like a class of noisy kids on the first day back at school. The GM was obviously finding the burden of responsibility in Alpha Kitsch’s absence too much for his sensitive little soul, and plaintively begged the circle for respect only to be largely ignored. Astronut then threw a bit of a wobbly and his voice started entering the higher ranges of human hearing as he began squeaking like a ferret on helium (deep-sea divers and party balloon abusers will know exactly what I mean) in indignation, which didn’t help his street cred one iota and just ensured a barrage of imitative squeaking from the circle and advice from Fluky to loosen his underpants. Astronut doggedly continued and dragged the hares in. Was it a good run? Yes, replied the three people who were listening. The hares, Too Wet, Posh Duck, Hungry Bum and Loose Change, were dully (Shouldn’t that read duly? – Ed.) sorry, duly awarded their down-downs, the circle squeaked the song like a pack of demented mice, and the poolside on-on was announced.

Next week’s run announcement brought Poser into the circle but Astronut ungallantly suggested that she hadn’t done any of the recces so it was all his own work. Anyway, it’s a million miles away in Pasir Ris – bring your passports and a couple of days’ worth of emergency rations.

A fairly large group of virgins was invited to partake of the amber fluid – Peter, Walther, Tom and Sarah.

Visitors were Michael, Drew, Ten Percent, Chris, Carol and our own Mr. Loose Change -Slack Arse.

The welcome returnees were Machine, Bouncer and Captain Red Arrow.

Obviously people were anxious to get to the on-on or something as none of the whips had very much to say for themselves, giving your scribe very little material to mangle and alter. Not that I could hear anything anyway with the rowdies surrounding me. Flakey was being particularly voluble, being obviously tickled by Astronut’s underpants. (I beg your pardon? – Ed.) No, no, no – not like that. I mean he was tickled by his underpants being too tight and thus causing the ongoing squeak situation. And Captain Red Arrow obviously has no one to talk to in Jakarta as he was blithering on as if there was no tomorrow as well. Big Hammer was doing his best with the stand-in beer duty but kept distracting me with a running commentary on the proceedings.  Anyway, your recollections are probably a great deal better than mine.

The Hare Whip, Too Wet, had a surreal story about some unknown hasher being discovered with both hands down his shorts at the start of the run, rearranging himself. Later he was seen picking up paper and stuffing it down his shorts on the trail. It all sounds perverted to me. Well, it was Barbarian after all. Bushy got dragged in as well

The Mystery Whip eventually manifested himself in the guise of Ad Nauseam, who got Posh Duck for copying the many Harriets’ runs set from this location. (But didn’t he set most of them? – Ed.) I followed this one but lost it a bit on the next charge. Bogless was apparently advised to do a Phoney Dick and come back from the first check but averred that he was fitter than Phoney and didn’t need to shortcut. Ooh, he’ll suffer for that when Phoney hears about it. Dirty Hacker was there for decorative purposes, as far as I could see….Or maybe he did come back from the first check. Oh, I don’t know….

The Mystery Mystery Whip, Front Arse, spoke in ringing tones of Barbarian’s conversational gambit to anyone who would listen: “I’ve just been to Burma. I had a turkey dinner overlooking the river…. “ etc etc. Apparently he set off first so he could lurk in the bushes – (Or in the Bushy ?– Ed.) and tell everyone who went past of his holiday experiences. Bushy was dragged in as well as being a witness.

His next charge was against the heinous crime of calling on-on when not on paper. Apparently Barf Wader called everyone the wrong way at one point and then claimed innocence.

And - can you believe it? – neither the Prick nor the Pussy were there, so it was straight on to AOB. I was about to pack up my clipboard but luckily a few people had something to add.

That irrepressible member of the Captain family – Captain Flakey – called in Barbarian and Bushy again for going on holiday to two different countries: Barbarian went to Burma but Bushy went to Myanmar. The highlight of this charge was Bushy’s jumping around as if on springs as she beat Barbarian in the down-downs for a second time.

In came the other member of the Captain family – Captain Red Arrow – who sounded like the announcer for the WWF as he harangued us all loudly about some hash event in Bali that he wants us all to go to. Apparently it involves running, cycling and white-water rafting and occurs on March 4. Watch this newsletter for more info.

And then Sybil reliably swanned in, people rudely sat down, I sighed and went to sleep. Something about three young ladies helping Posh Duck but I couldn’t hear as Barbarian was going on about what it’s like having sex when your partner’s in a different country. Then Sybil jiggled around in disgusting fashion with Bloodshot, apparently so he could demonstrate what a great hula dancer he is.

Murkily told a story about a man at the pipeline with a rabid dong - sorry, dog - he was trying to restrain from ripping someone’s throat out. Jack Off, the little tease, bent over in front of said dog in a pair of tiny red shorts – and lived to tell the tale.

And after a final thank you from Too Wet to her co hares it was off to the on-on at the pool. I gravitated to the table with the wine, which was probably a mistake, as after several buckets of it, and after being given a lift back to the safety of my estate from the kindly Biggles and Chilli Balls, I unwisely accepted a suggestion to go to Anywhere. That led to a succession of equally unwise social decisions over the party- infested weekend, far too many late nights etc. That’s why this newsletter is late, I’m afraid. Normal business will resume as soon as possible.

All the best to everyone in 2001. And keep taking the medicine for that squeak, Astronut. You wouldn’t want it to become a permanent fixture…..

On on!

Squeak Window

On-Back to Weekly Scribe Reports Index.

On-Back to Lion City HHH homepage.