Run No. 957

Date: Friday 26 January 2001

Where: Chestnut Avenue

Hares: Loose Change, Iron Crotch and Tiny Weenie

Members: 47

Guests: 21

Virgins: 3 or 4

Visitors: 5 or 6

Returnees: 0

As Flakey said, we should have had the Mash tee shirt this week, what with hashers going down like ninepins all over the place, breaking their ribs or sticking bleach in their eyes or inserting stinging insects into them. Our resident MD – the valiant Death Wish 4 – should have been paid overtime….

I managed to avoid all that by doing the very short run very carefully. It was fairly slithery stuff though, with lots of mud and shiggy bits. Very well laid considering the appalling weather during the afternoon, even if I nearly got drowned in semolina pudding – an original substance for trail marking from the inventive hares.. And one by one the lame, halt, blind and crippled limped back in. Ring Pull thought she was going to have to do the whole thing on her own this week – not that she minds that at all – but Astronut fronted up eventually. Anyway, Alpha Bitch declared it a good run (How would she know? – She did the short one too – Ed.) and the  hares quaffed the beer gamely.

A few uninjured virgins were shoved into the circle – Ken, Luca and Sue. And a crazy Kraut called Cristof, although there was some argument about whether he had actually paid..

A load of visitors sailed in, including JP, Kathy, Pigeon Shit, Colin and Tom Werry - who seemed to have lost the use of his legs at some stage on the run. Still, he’s a geriatric old fart from the Banker-Wanker Hash - so perhaps we should make allowances for his wimpy little travelling chair.

Next week’s run was announced by everyone’s favourite Christmas Islander (well, can you think of anyone else who comes from there?) Ripper, although he tells me that Rooming Shit is also involved somehow. Mandai Quarry is where it’s all happening.

The hare whip was Tiny Wanky, who was full of himself because he managed to rescue three hashers with a combined run total – and age - of several hundred, after they got lost. Yes. Should be ashamed of yourself, Hooray, (He should always be ashamed of himself – Ed.) Phoney Dick and Ripper again.

Then Twinkie announced the You Can Still Have Passion Even When You’re Ancient And Creaky Memorial Award which he gave to Ad Nauseam and Ugly Bum for doing the sort of thing that gets you arrested and/or frightens the horses. Ad Nauseam was running around wailing for his lost missus in piteous tones and leapt on her with enormous cries of delight when he found her. (Maybe she just had the car keys – Ed).

And now it was time for the Mystery GM as better-never-than-late Astronut (Isn’t that the wrong way round? Ed.) – look, you write your report and I’ll write mine - hove into view and seemed to spend most of his time trying sit on the increasingly tiresome other Canadian – Tom Weary. Anyway, Loosely Caged wafted into the circle as Hare Whip 2 and promptly ratted on her co-hare Kinky Winky for doing something disgusting with his purple bag. Some of the comments from the circle at this point caused your shy little scribe to blush in shame. Didn’t know what they were going on about. Honest. And neither did poor virgin Kraut Cristof who tuned to me in bewilderment and asked whether anyone was speaking English. Well, that one’s America, that one’s Canadian and that one’s Welsh – so - er – no.

Alpha Bitch had a presentation award for Murkury for his hard earned 2 runs. Yes, we’ve still run out of zeros. Alpha kindly helped him on with his tee shirt by inserting herself in it first.

The Mystery Whip refused to reveal himself for quite a while, but it turned out to be the shy and retiring Ripper, who became less like the urbane gent we all know and love as his story continued. It seems there are two types of Australians – Bloody Australians and Fucking Australians. Raucous laughter from the serried ranks of no-brains who’ll laugh at anything with a rude word in it. Coo Chi Fucking Coo. See what I mean? You laughed, didn’t you.?

But I digress. Ripper had not finished. He called in all the Bloody Australian with genuine Oz passports – and all of those who were Fucking Australians ‘cos they wanted one. Fnar! Frnar! See. He’s not just a pretty face. So in they all came – Front Arse, Coo Chi Coo, Indianus, Walkie Talkie, Ad Nauseam, Ugly Bum and - er – Stuffy as a Lookalike for someone. (No-one looks like Stumpy! – Ed.) I think it was supposed to be ironic…

Free Willy was looking a bit thunderous at this stage as he was finding it hard to keep up with the beery demands of the various whips, so he was not best pleased when Zipp called in all the Chinese for a New Year down-down. Ripper suggested that all the Bloody Chinese and the Fucking Chinese should come in – so he included himself as one of the latter. Talk about milking a joke to the limit. Oh, you had to be there. It was quite funny at the time. Lumberjack also got in there somehow for having two Chinamen for New Year. Shameless hussy!

Mystery Mystery whip was Big Hammer who wanted to know what the most dangerous sport on the planet is. Murkury suggested - “Prostitution”. Well done, Murk – that was nearly a joke. Anyway, he grabbed Gypsy out to demonstrate how slippery ice is, thus breaking a major hash rule – never attempt to tell a story in the presence of our own resident Buster Keaton wannabe Gypsy - who slid around in amusing fashion while BH attempted to get on with his story. It was a good charge - to layabout Peeking Bong who spends most of the year as a ski bum at Whistler, then returns for a sedate hash run and manages to break a couple of ribs. Well, that’s what he says, but you know what these wimpy men are like, don’t you, girls? One scratch and they’re demanding the morphine and writing out their wills….

Pussy of the Week was absent, and so was Prick of the Week, although there was a substantial groundswell of opinion to award it to the noisy Tom Weary anyway. He tried to do a bit of AOB by saying  “Someone ran past me in loafer shoes…”, but was rudely cut off at the arse – sorry – pass by an on-form Ripper who cried “Everyone ran past you…” and Werry was left bleeding and unmourned on the floor.

AOB – Coo Chi Coo wanted to congratulate the hares for their good laying, but this was just an intro to slamming the girlies who should know better for following last week’s Bike Hash paper. Obviously too busy painting their nails at the time. Lacey Lady, Barf Wader and Hungry Bum (Lookalike Quicksand) had to stop gossiping for long enough to do a down-down. (Oooh, bitch! – Ed.)

Flakey called in the now officially bisexual Stinky Winky (Er – did I miss something? – Ed.) because if he wants sex he buys it. Some sort of linguistic joke here. If you can understand a thing Flakey says you’re doing better that I am.

Black Widow called in Walkie Talkie for flaunting her braless see-through tee shirt - except when there were men around, when she came over all shy and covered herself up. Not cricket, eh guys?

Indy told a disgusting story about Flakey ripping his shorts off in Mata Hari’s last week and thrusting something that looked like a penis - only smaller - in her face. I hope this was just some sort of feverish libidinous dream.

Finally Alpha Bitch and Tinky Winky were called in in recognition of their birthdays. And that was it for the circle.

The on-on was at Karu’s Curry with the usual great curry and stuff. No idea who flashed their bits at Papa Joe’s later as I was a good girl and went to the Handlebar where all was decorum and sophistication as we listened to chamber music. -  No doubt I’ll hear it all from Indy later.

On on!

Black Widget

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