Run No. 965
Date: Friday 23 March 2001
Where:
Sime Road Cemetery
Hares: Vietnam Rose, Hand Job and Wong Way
Guests:
36
Visitors: 11
Returnees:
3
Whew! It may not have been the longest run in the world, but the circle made up for that. We had it all – sailors, nudity, politics and controversy. Yes, I did say nudity. You’ll just have to read on, won’t you…?
There was a very big hash sign pointing the way ironically to a very small run, even if you did the “long” one. If you did the short one you came back slightly before you left. What there was was nice, though all round the cemetery, with some hardy souls doing it twice. Various matelot types from the Kittyhawk came kitted up for a marathon and looked a bit foolish lugging their Camelbacks around to avoid dying of thirst. Didn’t they look like wimps when they trailed back in 40 minutes….?
Astronut very unkindly highlighted the anorexic aspect of the outing and, showing no mercy to the hares, declared it a hash shit. The hares appeared not at all fazed by this set- back and announced the swanky on-on at the Dutch Club.
White Chinaman is doing next week’s run to celebrate his first half-century. Somewhere around a wafer fabrication plant in Tampines. Can hardly wait. Indy is his co-hare but he forgot to mention that for some reason.
Virgins Lisa and Mike were welcomed, and then Ring Bitch Alpha Pull had her big moment calling in the visitors. She was making the most of her last circle appearance before she jets off back to Houston. Firstly she called in the US Navy, comprising Short Bus, Tiny Bushes, Good Head, Woodie, Buddha, Fucking Fit It (honest, that’s what it says here) and the unpleasantly graphically named Defecate. Vertigo and Musical Chair were from Sydney, and Mike and Cinderella were introduced. They’re Chastity Belt’s parents, and what they think of the company their son keeps is nobody’s guess. Oh, and Jim, who hadn’t paid but was too dim to keep quiet about it.
We had some returnees too – Steptoe, TI Joe and Kiosk Lung.
The poor beer people – Gypsy, Zipp and Gagless, were doing sterling work keeping up with the flow of down-downs – but their work was only just beginning…
A threatening looking Vietnam Rose, wielding a big stick, was the Hare Whip, and all those who yelled “hash shit” started looking a bit uneasy. Not to worry, she was pretty mellow. She went the usual route of heading straight for her co-hare, in this case Wong Way, who firstly said he wasn’t at all superstitious about running in a graveyard but then on the recce started apologizing to the deceased inhabitants every time he stepped over a grave.
Her second charge was so long and involved that her voice went all Astronut squeaky with the exertion of telling it. It involved Kiosk Lung telling people that Rose had begged him to come to her run when in fact he had invited herself. Something like that anyway.
Now followed an unseemly tussle in the circle (I thought that came later – Ed.) – no, I’ll get to that. This one was between the GMs. Astronut was already in the circle when Alpha Ring Bitch Pull shouldered him roughly aside and had her say first. She pulled in Footrot as he was supposed to set this run but had pulled out at the last minute (Don’t you just hate it when they do that? – Ed.) with Rose now getting all the flak.
Astronut finally muscled his way back in control of the large and rowdy mob in order to announce Bitch Pull’s last run and the fact that it was also her 100th run – no fix, honest. She refused the large drink offered to her on the grounds that she was driving, leaving the ungallant Flakey to remark, “You were sober the last time you crashed.”Astronut also presented her with a tee-shirt and a gold shoe pendant in recognition of her contribution to the hash over the past two years. She gave an elegant display of how to change tee-shirts in the circle. (Unlike what happened later – Ed.) Exactly. A tantalizing flash of sexy underwear and that was it. But that Indianus just doesn’t know the meaning of the word “restraint”. (And you do? – Ed.) Oh, shutup. Anyway. I’m getting ahead of myself here.
Astronut called in the Mystery Whip – it was Barbarian. He was dying to get one of the sailors in so he dragged in their GM, Tiny Bushes, for bringing it to everyone’s attention that Singapore has one of the largest jetties in the world. Hmm. All a bit technical for me, but Sybil livened it up somewhat by leaping on a startled Tiny Bushes and attempting to throw him over her shoulder and carry him off.. He managed to extricate himself from this appalling prospect only to be called in again by Barbarian for wearing one of the aforementioned wimpy Camelbacks.
Flakey was the Mystery Mystery whip and he trod a very dangerous line calling in Vietnam Rose. He mentioned how he had dyed his hair orange last week (read: wore a wig) and said that this trend was catching on since Rose had dyed her hair “shit brown” for tonight’s run. Foolhardy man. Rose gave him a look that would have had me diving for the nearest foxhole, and hotly denied the charge.
Taking his life in his hands, he then called in Indy for going all the way to Lithuania for a bonk in the school holidays. She also hotly denied the charge, saying that she went for the cultural experience. Yeah, right.
Then the two Mystery Whips united in their rage against Astronut for only asking them to perform ten minutes before the circle. As you can see, there was a fair amount of rancour around anyway, but the blood on the streets bit came later. (And what about the nudity? – Ed.) Be patient, I’m getting there.
Mystery Mystery Mystery Whip was Footrot, who had obviously worked on this one. His charge was Mir related, which he somehow tied in with Star Wars and 2001. His story was set in 3001, however – but it was all basically a ploy to call in Princess Leia (King Leer – geddit?) a Hans Solo lookalike (Death Wish 4) and Luke Seawalker (I was drifting off a bit here) who turned out to be Phonetic Dick for some reason. He got given a lightsabre to play with and this came into the nudity bit as well – but that’s later. (Bloody long circle if you ask me – Ed.) Too true…
Iron Crotch brought the Prick into the circle with yet another addition, this time a sparkler, to help her award it. Round the circle she went until it fizzled out, helped by Front Arse, in front of Quicksand. So it’s hers for the week.
Wickless finally remembered the Pussy, saying that he didn’t need to go to Lithuania for a bonk as Pussy has been keeping him company. He donated it to Flakey for being so worn out after last weekend’s Irish shenanigans that he had to go to bed at 6.30 on Sunday. “In the morning!” Flakey protested plaintively, trying to salvage his reputation.
The hordes got drunker, the noise got louder, and Ring Bitch decided it was time for that quaintest of tradition, the Boat Race. We were ably represented by Delegator, but perhaps the US fleets interests were not best served by putting up the I’ve-had-four-down-downs-and-am-floating-slightly-to-the-left-of Jupiter Tiny Bushes. Delegator saw him off with ease, leaving him to lurch back to the scorn of his shipmates with the full-throated cry of “Beaten by a woman!!” ringing in his embarrassed ears.
Pull Alpha Bitch Ring decided she wanted to give away something on this her last night. She had the Bitch t-shirt passed on to her by Lynxx and decided she wanted to continue the tradition by handing it on to Beta Bitch. Now Indianus is not in the habit of wearing a bra, but that wasn’t going to stop her. Aided – or in fact hindered - by Bitch Ring – she attempted to get into one tee-shirt and out of the other at the same time. Might have worked if she hadn’t stuck her head through one of the armholes. Now, how much of a flash of flesh you got depended on where you were standing but we got a fair old eyeful at the beer table. Indy was starting to look a bit desperate at this point with no way in or out of the tee-shirt – and then, to compound things, someone pulled her sarong off. So there you have it, an topless Indy in a resplendent red g-string in front of a huge crowd including a delighted contingent from the fleet. (Situation normal then? – Ed.) Gypsy unsportingly turned the light off at this point and Phoney attempted to illuminate the situation with his lightsabre. In the confusion Indy managed to salvage the tee-shirt and sarong, but her dignity lay in tatters round her feet.
Then the shit hit the proverbial as Astronut hove in to rename Ring Pull as Alpha Bitch – which has been her alternative name for quite some time anyway since Astronut noted her somewhat forthright manner. Gosh, it was like the Battle of Gettysburg out there. Lines were drawn, insults yelled, there was blood all over the streets and you couldn’t see for the gun smoke or hear above the cannons’ roar. Oh, we do take the hash seriously, don’t we? On the one side was the you stick with your name whatever it is faction and on the other was the so what it’s only a name faction. And in the middle were the slightly missed the plot faction who kept saying what they wanted to call themselves – which isn’t quite the same. Coo Chi Coo was first in in the AOB segment to demand that he be called Macho Stud but Flakey suggested Macho Stump would be more appropriate. Then we left the subject for a while as CCC called in Barbarian. In Bali recently for the hash triathlon CCC had been travelling around with Barbarian who was actually trying to buy furniture - namely a teak CD rack - at the time – and dragging CCC into every shop they passed. In one establishment Barbarian was disappointed as: “They only have tables and chairs in here.” CCC gently pointed out to the demented fellow that they were, in fact, in a restaurant at the time…..
And then it was back to the unseemly squabbling. Vietnam Rose bustled into the circle only to shoot herself in the foot by announcing: “It’s against the rules to change your hash name.” Of course she was treated to a deafening bray of : “There are no rules on the hash!” Ugly Bum complained that she would love to change her hash name if she could but was stuck with it. Indy said that lots of people have more than one hash name. And so on. And on. And on.
We finally got to the on-on at the Dutch Club – a very pleasant evening round the pool and then to the bar inside. And a few went on to an impromptu gathering at Desperation’s that ended up in the not-so-wee hours of the morning.
So a pretty exciting evening all round. But as to the naming thing, Ripper and I had a discussion after the circle and we remember when…(Leave it right there – Ed.) Probably a good idea.
On on!
Blank Window (Oops – that’s my Sunday hash name…..)
Black
Widow
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