Run No: 969         

Date: Friday 19 April

Where: Shunfu Road

Hares: Ripper

Members: 40

Guests: 13

Virgins: 2

Visitors: 3

New Members: 1

Good old Ripper, saving the day by pulling out and reviving an old run at very short notice, giving a bit of a deja-vu feel to parts of the run but providing us all with a good workout and a nice stretch through the jungle. Not that I could keep up, as I’d injured a delicate part of my anatomy on Wednesday (Admit it – you fell on your bum and bruised your coccyx – Ed.) – well – yes – but it’s a bit embarrassing, isn’t it? Still, with help from the hare and the kindness of some other back markers I struggled round, wincing and complaining all the while. Still, it was obviously fairly tricky, as Lynxx and Stash found out, since they only passed me about five minutes from home. Hmmm – just what were they doing in the jungle to get them that far behind?

Before the run it was noticeable that there was almost a complete lack of male committee members, so Gypsy had heroically dragged himself away from work to put in a surprise appearance as stand-in GM, doing his best Astronut impersonation complete with exaggerated squeakery.  Ooh, he’s a mean one, that Gypsy. He suggested that since he had no idea if there were any Whips he was electing everyone as Mysteries,. And at circle time Gypsy was obviously revelling in his one chance to dominate. He called Ripper in for the customary vote of approval, noting that he’s been given a good run call for this run the previous five times he’d set the same run, and he would also provide free beer at the on-on, which was a blatant lie, as Ripper immediately pointed out. Nevertheless, it was designated a good run, and Ripper and KY Jelly had negotiated a great menu at the Lakeview which included everyone’s favourite dishes.

Next week’s run is set by the Velcros at Lorong Sesuai. They weren’t there. So Gypsy dragged in a startled G-String as a Lookalike, and that randy little wombat Coo Chi Coo was determined to get in on the act as the other half of the amorous duo. G-String looked even more startled as she attempted to peel CCC off her and - I thought about getting the trusty bucket of water out again.

Blur Bitch – revelling in her adoption by the Bitch family - called in a couple of nubile virgins – Pauline and Ru Heng, and visitors Skip, Margo and Lisa. And a welcome new member – Mr. T.

Gypsy was losing the plot somewhat, being new to the GM role, and forgot the order of events. He got his knickers in a twist at being reminded, and said since he was in charge he could change anything he liked and - hell – he felt like going to the on-on first and then coming back to finish the circle, so there! Chastened, the mob meekly allowed him to drivel on about the AGM before he finally got back on track and called for the Hare Whip.

Of course, the Hare Whip was not particularly difficult to identify. No surprise when Ripper lurched  back into the circle again. He drew attention to an experienced hasher who about halfway round said,  “I think we did this run backwards last time.” Coo Chi Coo’s brilliant steel-trap mind had finally worked that one out. Should be called Mr. Blur Bitch. So blur was he that he refused to do the back checks and ended up at the back of the pack.

I noticed that Zipp was doing sterling work unaided as stand-in  Hash Brew and asked her if she needed any help. “No,” was her insouciant reply. “ It’s easy. It only takes two men to do the job.”

Gypsy turfed Ripper out so he could do a farewell thing for Doris, who isn’t going far and will be back next month anyway. Don’t know why we bothered at all, really, but we sang him that rude song that you can’t tell your mother,

I’m sorry if you get the impression that there are only six people on this hash ‘cos the same names keep appearing, but I have to write it as it happened. (Oh yeah?– Ed.) Okay, with a little occasional creativity and the odd lapse of memory. But the next guy to muscle in to the circle was Doris, who was taking Gypsy’s idea of everyone whipping seriously. He called in Aftershock because on the hash we are used to losing things – shouts of, “Memory!” “Virginity!” ‘ The trail!” – but no, in Aftershock’s case, she lost her soul. Sole/soul. Oh. suit yourselves – it wasn’t my pun.

The real Mystery Whip fronted up, and again, not a huge surprise to see Mega Bitchissima Lynxx in the circle, since she leaves on Monday. Although since Singapore’s alcohol tax revenues have doubled since she and Indy have been hitting the streets every night, I’m amazed she remembered. Lynxx firstly dragged in the hapless, hornet-prone Diskless for arranging to get attacked last week so he could get himself a free steroid injection in Changi Hospital.

Then she related a story about being stuck getting out of a drain, Well, she wasn’t, being the fit bitch that she is, but one of the chaps that offered her aid and assistance then had to change his tune and ask her for help. Poor Mr. T.

And she got Careless for poor diction as he kept yelling at her and Stash to, “Watch the gate! Watch the gate!” which they kept watching for until Stash stepped on a snake. Very odd.

It was all getting in-crowdery now as the other half of the heroic drinking-for-their-countries combo fronted up as the Mystery Mystery Whip. Yes, it was Beta Bitch Indy. She wanted to expose Warlike-Talkie’s indiscretion in her car when she manages to water ski in it halfway down Bukit Timah, rather compromising  the integrity of the rear axle.

Secondly, she embarrassed Steroid Slut and the pregnant Comes Early for bringing a baby on the hash and holding hands.

But she was really saving herself for dobbing on her mate Lynxx. She reminded us that they’d been boozing without stop since Lynxx arrived, and really lived up to their heroic status on Thursday when they started at Brewerks, moved on to the Crazy Elephant and staggered on to Molly Malone’s where Indy thought her luck was well and truly in when this beautiful angel from heaven crooned at her, “Hallo, gorgeous!” as she was negotiating her way to the loo. It was most unkind of Coo Chi Coo to comment at this stage, “Blind angel, was he?” so I won’t repeat that. Anyway, predictably, by the time Indy had been to the loo, had a quick nap, worked out where she was and staggered back to her table, the angel had been snaffled by the predatory Lynxx as soon as she ascertained that he was an officer. So off they all lurched to Papa Joe’s and a besotted  Lynxx begs to go back to the ship with the gorgeous hunk. Now HM ships might afford some leeway for that sort of goings-on, but not the straight-laced US navy, so he regretfully had to decline. But he was all heart, so he suggested that she could come in the taxi with him (Come again? – Ed.), well probably, but you know what I mean. She could ride in the taxi with him (This isn’t getting any better – Ed) – well, I think that’s exactly what he meant. Lynxx sadly declined – she does have her standards, you know, and when he couldn’t get a Mercedes, well, she just had to say no….

Time for the Prick of The Week, and guess who – it was Lynxx again on parade and cries of “Here come de grudge!” filled the air. She entertained the enthralled mob with her woeful tales of looking for a bit of nookery all week and striking out on every occasion. Comes Alone came back from Desperation’s party, but slept in the guest bedroom. On Wednesday she ended up – as she put it – with one of the Black Widow’s rejects, and Thursday night of course didn’t work out. Zipp suggested that she wasn’t telling us about the taxi driver. Anyway, in the light of the desperate state of our elderly Prick, she’s ordered a new one from her regular supplier in Britain – a whopping 13 inch specimen with a wince-making diameter of 8 inches. That’s going to bring tears to someone’s eyes, I can tell you.

I had the Pussy to give away on Astronut’s behalf and really, I should have given it straight back to him for totally losing it (the plot and the Pussy ) last Friday and forgetting that he had passed it on. He thought it was still in the back of his car – of whatever it is you call that monster he swans around in. But in the end I settled – just like the hornets did – on Dickless, who does recces by having wifey trail round after him in the car and thus was on hand to do the life-saving run to the hospital. Her obviously needs a Pussy to take care of him.

AOB had CCC commenting on how much fun Desperation was going to have smuggling the new Prick into Singapore – which caused few unimaginative types to look baffled but the more dirty minded to snigger knowingly. And he called Indy in for thinking at one stage that it was Wednesday, and then telling him that drinking all week hadn’t affected her at all. So he called in a very blur Beta Butch Indy who stared at the circle though her befuddled brain and asked bemusedly, “Is that my name?”

No more AOB, but a delightful post-circle conversation with Ditchless, Indy and Shit Fit about the merits of dick sizes in the light of Lynxx’s 13 inch whopper. (So she’s had the operation then? – Ed.) Oh, you know what I mean. And Wickless had the novel idea of keeping a couple of hornets around as a sex aid, considering the way he swells up when stung. So he could definitely go out with a bang.

And on to the on-on, which I believe KY Jelly arranged. It was a small but enthusiastic crowd, the food was great, and my boyfriend from Hell  went round leering at anyone who’d make eye contact. Honestly, there really are times you wish Piddles was back – he was hers first! And another wild evening with Flat Cat on Saturday at Muddy’s – and –at one stage – my and now Lynxx’s reject who must be getting used to it by now. Ended up in Anywhere as did various other reprobates such as Lynxx, Beta and Desperation but lost sight of them towards the end of the night . ( Is that because you were lying on the floor ? Ed.) No such thing. But that’s as far as I’m going.

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