Run            973

Date           11 May 2001

Where        Clementi Avenue 2

Hares         Titmouse & Bo Peep

Members    43

Guests        13

Visitors        2

Returnees   1

Following the verbal bashing I got from serried ranks of rabid Australians in the circle – including an exceptionally vitriolic White Chinaman - I’m going to sulk and be boringly polite to everyone this week, especially the Antipodeans, and I’ve given Ed. the day off.

It was a very good run set at short notice by the hares and so the circle agreed. The wonderful Indianus called in the hares for their down-downs and handsome Titmouse announced the on on at a nearby coffee shop.

But not before Ray, who does have a hash name – Long Suffering – and Boo were iced for private partying.

Next week’s hares are Fanny Flasher, Corney Linguist and Careless and the run is at Dairy Farm Road.

Stiff was iced for talking.

Intelligent and debonair Front Arse called in the visitors, Fred and Patrick. Then he introduced Peanuts as a new member, although returning member is possibly more accurate.

There was a milestone in the shape of virile and muscular Ripper who has massed up 550 runs and was rewarded with Mother Mary’s only-worn-once tee shirt, which was, of course, several sizes too small.

The one returnee was Rob Faraone, who had acquired a hash name since he left us several years ago and is now known as Toad Piss.

The Mystery Whip was the clever and inspired Ripper who had a couple of brilliant charges, the first one involving Chastity Belt. He has been in Singapore too long, said Ripper, as he cut across him without warning, just like local drivers. His second charge involved Lacy Lady, who had been spied running into trees and tripping over all sorts of things because she was too vain to wear her glasses.

Quickie and Squire were on the ice at this point.

Mystery Mystery Whip called in the optimists. Flakey had been running well to the rear but optimistically said that he would be at the front again in a minute. Jack Off was optimistic about something else and Slocum kept calling on-on even when he was right at the back and there was no one behind him

More private partiers took their turns on the ice. Suzee Wong and Peanuts, who attempted to get out of it by claiming she had piles.

Fanny Flasher got called in to pass on the Prick of the Week and after wittering on incomprehensibly about her first French kiss went on that she wanted to give it to Depositor who is going through some rite of passage as the weird vocal noises he was making suggested that his voice was finally breaking. Anyway, he wasn’t there, so lookalike Stiff became the innocent civilian target.

Shit Fit had been on the phone the whole time trying to hide behind a truck but he was spotted so had to sit in the ice. He didn’t mind. He said it was just like home. He’s from Scandinavia.

The charismatic and well-read Coo Chi Coo got to give away the Pussy. He had a few candidates, notably visitor Fred who was being hosed down by his girlfriend and/or wife after the run. Or what about Mr. Magoo and his horrible green tracksuit pants? Finally he settled on a short cutter who tried to get one up on the pack and ended up going the wrong way and ended up at the back. Barbarian was duly punished.

The police then arrived on the scene, but the diplomatic and suave Indianus dealt with them in polite fashion and they soon left.

Phone boy Shit Fit was still on the ice but the inventive and hilarious Front Arse introduced another brilliant innovation – a rubber chicken – for him to drink his down-down out of.

AOB. Literate and talented Coo Chi Coo came into the circle to point out my derogatory and wholly unfounded jibe at the extent of the average Australian vocabulary in last week’s newsletter. Various aggrieved countrymen and women joined him – statuesque Indianus, cosmopolitan  Front Arse, aquiline Ripper and literate White Chinaman. They then proceeded to demonstrate that they did indeed know more than my flagrantly libellous limit of thirty words – they had cleverly all made little lists of extra ones that they could apply to me. I won’t repeat all the monosyllabic - and the word is monosyllabic, Front Arse, not monosybillic - Anglo-Saxon insults here but I’ll just mention that White Chinaman doesn’t know how to spell moron. Maybe because it’s got two syllables, unlike the rest of his lengthy list. Anyway, I have all their lists as souvenirs and let me tell you, they’re a triumph of Australian innovative humour.

And then it was off to the on-on, which was excellent.

It’s much easier writing the newsletter like this. Only took me half the usual time.

On on!

Black Widow

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