Run No. 975

Date: 25 May 2001

Where: Lim Chu Kang

Hares: Careless

Members: 45

Guests: Ripper kept that a secret again

Returnees: 1

Cheeky says she’s going to shoot the entire committee if they don’t nominate this “Run of the Year” – it had everything the pack could desire, including wonderful woodland, lakes, duck farms, kampongs, and a distant view of the Eiffel Tower. Sorry. I made that bit up. Anyway, typically with my luck, I missed the run, but the hare had thoughtfully laid on a glorious sunset for us latecomers as we watched the pack come in from miles away across the valley. All together as well. Except for Poser and friend who had apparently gone via Ponggol. She’s making a bit of a habit of this.

Indianus was in full megalomaniac mood, in the absence of the invisible co-GM yet again, and despite various clandestine efforts to derail the ice – such as some nameless person telling Jason last week not to bring the containers – she was having none of it, and out came the contentious ice anyway. The circle was pretty subdued, though, and Indy was seething with frustrated ire, as she could find no one at all to punish. Yet.

Careless was given a unanimous “Brilliant Run!” call and announced the on-on at the restaurant at the end of the universe just down the road. He promised us delights unknown this side of North Korea, including deep fried cockroach, roasted rat and hot-plate scorpion. And thinking about some of the unidentifiable dishes I warily encountered later on, I wonder if he was entirely joking.

Vietnam Rose announced next week’s run as a reprise of the Kampong Hash AGM run from Pasir Panjang Village. Just hope it’s not so hot.

Beta Bitch, desperate to get someone on the lonely-looking ice, called in Saliva as she had been noted attempting to molest Bagless’s anatomically correct apron in the dangly bit area. They are very good friends, after all.

Mother Mary made a welcome guest appearance in the circle to announce the visitors and virgins. Well, there was only one virgin – Poser’s friend who had a baptism of fire with a lost-in-the-jungle adventure until they were heroically rescued by the gallant Aye-Aye. She took the idea of being a virgin pretty literally too, since she was dressed in virginal white and ran in sandals.

The visitors comprised the returning Barry Bemoan – sorry, Spellcheck – Beaman, hash name Ferret, someone from Silicon Valley and someone from Bangkok. If this sounds a bit vague, it’s cos the new committee hasn’t really got its act together yet and whoever is supposed to give me the guest list – well – didn’t.

One returnee was the venerable Pakistani diplomat Tasneem, who hasn’t changed a bit in the intervening fifteen years. Anyway, he’d gone off to some swanky ambassadorial do, so for some impenetrable reason Spiffy was called in as a lookalike. Another returnee, except that no one knew he had gone, was Doris, who is apparently now residing in Edinburgh.

And the ice still lurked threateningly, unused but ever-present.

Patrick Hyde was welcomed as a new member and reminded everyone that he was also running with us fifteen years ago and actually has a hash name – Ditch. He was awarded that name after going through a Flakey-type brush with misfortune when he fell down a fifteen-foot drain in Bukit Timah.

Well, things were moving on pretty smoothly – but then it was time for the Mystery Whip, who turned out to be Corny Linguist. He had it in for Fanny Flasher, his co-hare from last week, for some reason. Apparently her grasp of correct hash behaviour (Is there such a thing? – Ed.) is somewhat shaky. Last week she swept the run in the wrong direction, and this week she was criticising someone for not acting her age. Well Laid apparently acts older or younger than her years, but I lost the plot here.

There was an achingly long pregnant pause after Indy announced the Mystery Mystery Whoop. We all looked at each other. We all looked at each other some more. Stuffy examined a sandal with much interest. Indy sternly stared at Stuffy. A few people started a game of bridge. Indy walked towards Spiffy. He smiled at her in vacant fashion and resumed his investigation of his sandal. Indy grabbed Stiffy warmly by the throat and pulled him, squealing in protest, into the circle. Then it slowly dawned. Yes, the Mystery Mystery Whip was such a mystery that even the whip himself didn’t have a clue. Still, never one to let a little thing like being totally unprepared faze him, he thought up a couple of quick charges, this first involving Speedy Tits for doing an elegant gazelle-like leap into the mud. He also got Ferret for new shoes, although Ferret lied through his teeth and said they weren’t new, just bleached.

Beta Bitch was still panting to get someone on the ice and then was presented with a gift from heaven as the peace and quiet of the circle was shattered by a phone ringing. Pontianak was the guilty party. And Beta dragged in Corny Linguist to keep him company as he has been talking all the was through Stiffy’s extempore whipping and as the Mystery Whip he should have known better. He went the whole ice route and dropped his kegs, but the only one who was standing in the right place for a full flash was the hapless Hooray. (Bet he won’t stand there again in a hurry – Ed.) Too right. It was hard to shut Corny up anyway as he was delighting in showing off his huge vocabulary, coming out with words like “synchronicity” and “serendipity”, thinking he could catch me out. From the ice he called in Fanny Flasher, who apparently had won a spelling contest in her youth, and asked her to challenge me with her winning word. But you’re a bit late, Corny, or you don’t read your newsletter, ‘cos I used “sesquipedalian” months ago, and it so impressed Molester that he spent – oh, the next couple of months – memorising it. He also wanted to know what was the difference between silicon tits and Silicon Valley. (I pity his wife if he doesn’t know – Ed.) Maybe someone should gently take that boy aside. Anyway, Fanny Flasher sat on Corny and on we went to AOB.

AOB – Bully pulled in Ferret, saying that he asked him to visit Singapore for 25 May for a special reason – he was setting the run and wanted his help. Then he looks in his newsletter and finds that he has been gazumped by Careless. So his charge was actually against ex- and present GMs Astronut and Indy for ballsing up their lines of communication and getting the hareline in a twist.

Saliva, deciding things were all getting a bit quiet, screamed like a demented banshee from the sidelines “PAY YOUR SUBS!!!!!” She’s a right terror when she’s roused, that one. No wonder Aye-Aye’s so quiet.

Astronut came into the circle in his new guise as itinerant hawker and attempted to flog a few more tee shirts. Indy then hove in to castigate people who weren't wearing hash tee shirts in the circle, pointedly homing in on the ever-elegant Poser, who hasn't sullied her form with a hash shirt in living memory. (Ooh, she’ll get you for that! – Ed). Fanny Flasher was also done for the same crime.

And on to the deep fried rat at the well attended on-on, with the hardy and stalwart amongst us on-on-onning at Anywhere till the wee hours. Well, done, Careless, for your brilliant solo effort. Run of the Year??? Watch this space……

On on!

Black Widow

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