Run No. 981

Date: 6 July 2001

Where: Rifle Range road

Hares: Slocum, Stash and Big Hammer – the Septic Tanks

Members: 52

Guests:  31

Visitors: 2

Virgins: 2

Returnees: 2

I’ve given Ed. - my Ed. - the week off. Let’s see it as a sort of experiment…

The annual Independence Day run could have benefited from a few more checks but ended up as a nice lope around familiar territory – the boardwalk, the weir, the reservoir, the pipeline etc. Lots of paper around but what happened to the sweep? The twenty of us who got detached after the non-existent first couple of checks could have done with some guidance. Still, I felt pretty pleased emerging from the “short run “ at 7.15 – and still with people behind me.

The hares were called in for their down-downs. Everyone agreed it was a Good Run. Slocum was elected to be the recipient of the rubber chicken down-down – this apparently - according to Frontarse - because Yanks are known to like turkey and this was the closest he could get. Slocum also had the privilege of being the first on the ice. The hares were thanked for the tee shirt giveaway.

Slocum announced the on–on, declaring that they had tried to get away from the Red Lantern but couldn’t find anywhere better – but at least they had gone for a new menu. I didn’t hear anyone complaining.

Boo was told off for chatting to the visitors. He gamely asked for a chance to refill his beer – just like a condemned man asking for a cigarette but refusing the blindfold – before placing himself on the ice. 

Next week’s hare had just one week’s notice as Careless had to pull out unexpectedly. A shame Ed.’s not here for the obvious comment on that one. – The gallant Foo Foo was the volunteer – he’s just come back from offshore and charitably offered to donate his free time. Barf Wader, who came here for a quiet holiday, is his co-hare, and the run is at *Kaki Bukit Avenue 5. Even Boo said, “Where the fuck is that?” We’ll find it somehow. (*There has been a change to the Run Site since then. See Run Box or Hareline for details – The Real Ed)

At this point Saliva – helping her gallant beloved Aye Aye with the beers – leant over and showed me the derisory amount he was dispensing for the down-downs. “You can see a Scotsman poured this,” she hissed. “There’s only half a glass.” Sorry, sorry – I’m just reporting – I didn’t say it. Honest.

Now it was time for the hare whip. Stash came in to say that they had put a lot of effort into the hash, setting the trail, fighting off crocodiles, arguing about who should wear the cute little hare hats etc, and it broke his heart to see someone setting off on the in-trail without another thought. Yes, this was Boo who arrived at 6.20. “ Some of us have to work for a living!” he apparently snarled –sorry – that’s a bit insulting – said to Stash as he ran straight down the pipeline. So Boo was hauled back into the circle - not for running the trail the wrong way round, but for suggesting that lawyers actually work.

Big Hammer called in Lacy Lady for asking for the key bag and then placing in it her packet of cigarettes. He was aghast that such a fit piece should actually partake of the weed. She had to do a down-down to get them back.

The virgins were Barry and Douglas. 

There were many returnees. Rusty Tits was on his way through to Burma, Barf Wader and Murkury from Thailand, King Leer From KL, Dimples from – er – where are you now, Dimples? 

There were a lot of visitors as well. There was White Trash but he had gone home – so Squire had to do lookalike duties. Add your own comments. Then there was Dave, Larry, Hamish, and Anu, Yumiko was G-String’s guest and assured everyone that she wasn’t a virgin as she had done it before. And Jenever sailed in too – although he runs with us so regularly – if infrequently - that I feel he is more of a returnee.

The Mystery Whip was Careless. He firstly called in Skidmark for having seen the same article in the newspaper as he had, but having so much time on his hands that the had found the same article in three newspapers. The unfortunate Skidmark was iced while Careless proceeded with his charge. Anyway, the article that he was referring to suggested that branded goods are bad for your health, as people who crave them are often manic depressives. The BMW marque was particularly singled out. And Careless singled out the BMW owners – Bully, Phoney Dick and SCC. 

His second charge concerned the guys who – according to him – not me – wimped out of the last 10 minutes of the run even though they’re all going up to KL to do the ball breaker run. Indianus, Skidmark and Frontarse were the recipients of the charge.

The Mystery Mystery Whip was Barbarian – who waxed exceptionally lyrical about the remarkable tee shirts given away after the run. Apparently they were a very strange shape. Who was the role model for this shirt?– he wanted to know. He had to about seven feet tall with tiny little arms and a six-inch chest. He also had to be dyslexic, as the XXXL size would barely fit Barbarian’s six-year-old niece. He vainly cast around for someone to fit the bill but then decided he would have to do it in Frankenstein fashion. Virgin Barry provided the height, Kiasu Lun the short arms, Black Widow the dyslexia - and by popular demand Bushy was called in to model the tiny chest.

His next charge involved the competitiveness of Lion City runners. Last week it was noted that front-runners are sprinting through the checks without calling them, as they want to get home first. His week Barbarian witnessed an example of the very same thing as Stiff actually hid behind a tree after a T check so he wouldn’t have to call on-on. Stiff was absent at this stage so Stiffy did soundalike duties.

There were a few milestones this week. The first one was a 250 runs award to Hand Job. The GM asked for a male volunteer to help her change and there were several likely lads vying for the job. Frontarse suggested that he should be American at which Rusty Tits made a valiant attempt to speak in a Yank accent. Stash in the end was given the task, but Hand Job was well prepared and had a couple of layers of protection.

The next award was to the venerable Phoney Dick for his 450 runs. He made a gallant attempt at inserting his frame – with the help of the GM - into a tee shirt entirely too small for him – which was entirely my fault.

Sorry – bit of an interruption there as some friends just popped round and drank my fridge dry. I’ll slur on from here. I’ve lost several million brain cells in the past couple of hours so forgive me if I miss anything.

Prick of the Week was Coo Chi Coo but he had to sprint to his car to retrieve it. He then awarded it to Peanuts, because she’s always coming late to the run, despite being a whiz computer professional. 

AOB was finally called. Ad Nauseam put Barbarian and Frontarse on the ice because they checked away in complete silence. “Are you on?” Silence. “Are you checking?” Silence.

More AOB came from an aggrieved Stiffy. How could anyone mistake him for Stiff?  He noted that he wasn’t a Front Running Bastard  and therefore he called in the newly returned Stiff to take his down-down properly. Where had he been at the appropriate time? Stiff had been running an errand of mercy getting ringgit for the Grand Mattress. Coo Chi Coo suggested, “Don’t worry – she takes US dollars.” Sorry – sorry – that’s what he said.

Rusty Tits also got hauled in and sat on the ice, displaying to the GM a fetching pair of knickers that the GM insisted on removing. They were black and new so Rusty didn’t mind drinking through them – which he had to do. The Grand Mattress gave them a quick ice wash before returning them.

And on to the Red Lantern, which was very well attended, and where we were treated to a great innovative spread – the hares had really found some different stuff for the menu. I was waiting for a bit of spirited singing of American songs but that never actually happened. A good run, good company and good food. Happy Independence Day!

On On! 

Black Widow

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