Run No. 984

Date: 27 July 2001

Where: Changi Village

Hares: Mr. Magoo and White Chinaman

Members:

Guests:

Visitors:

Virgins: 1

Returnees: 2

It was a fast lope around the familiar environs of Changi Village but the well laid trail caught out more than a few of the front runners and plenty of back checks kept the pack together almost to the end. The GMs brought the circle together and called the hares in to receive a cry of Good Run – from those that were still breathing, that is, as the circle was redolent with the smell of rotting rubbish from the adjacent bin centre. Dirty Hacker nearly expired as I watched.  At least, I assume that’s where the smell was coming from, although I did spy various hashers eyeing their neighbours dubiously

Indianus made the mistake of starting her next sentence with: “Correct me if I’m wrong…..” Of course she wasn’t allowed to get any further than that as a huge barrage of – er – corrections came from the scoffing crowd, together with a call to “ice the bitch!” What were you about to say, Indy? We never did find out.

Next week’s hares are presenting the annual Boo jamboree of the National Day run. His co hares are Quickie, Strapless and Squire. Again Changi, this time at the Sailing Club. Frontarse called Boo back in as he had said that although it was in the same area, it would be of a “higher class.” He was justly punished for arrogance.

A solitary virgin, Sunny, was welcomed. He was brought by Margo, who was also called in as she had revealed herself to be a real hasher by volunteering to sit on the ice. – and even saying how nice it was. So she was allowed to cool her ardour by doing it again.

Frontarse welcomed back a couple of returnees – the proverbial bad penny, Camel, and the semi-bad penny, Halfpenny.

Flakey was dragged in to the circle for his zillionth farewell down-down. He promises he really is going this time. As Coo Chi Coo remarked, “What part of ‘f%&@ off you c*%#’‘didn’t you understand?”  So kind.

And new member Mark was welcomed to the brotherhood.

Our revered Indianus wanted to know why Ketchup from Hong Kong was incomprehensibly given a new hash name by Ripper who had apparently written him down on the guest list as Boris. Heat stroke or something.

Now it was time for a load of milestones. Flakey, who has obviously been hanging around on purpose, had limped, walked and dived his way to 100 runs. Delegator had also reached this magic number. They were both presented with tankards. Bagels had reached the hallowed heights of 300 runs, and was awarded with - er – a brochure. He’s so hallowed he gets to choose his own trophy.

Ice Dancer was spotted fiddling with himself in somewhat suggestive way so he had to cool off on the ice.

There was one final award – this was to Jack Off for her 350 runs. She had asked to wait until next week so Slocum could watch her taking her tee shirt off. (Doesn’t he get enough of that? Ed.)  Of course, Frontarse gleefully denied her request and asked for men to help her into her new shirt. Hordes of sex-crazed brawny types muscled in, and Ditch was picked to be the lucky guy. Still, Jack Off was well protected by an industrial-strength sports bra so no fun there.

Time for the Mystery Whip. (I’d better take over here, as it was – you know – her. – Ed. Black Widow put down her pen and hove into the circle. With a huge leap of faith and imagination she tried to bolt together her feeble charges under the theme of dogs. Dogshit had kindly presented her with a replacement key ring to make up for the one destroyed by the drunken academics last week. This time it was an even more repulsive thing – a sheep, which doesn’t just have an anal problem but has horrible eye trouble as well. Give it a squeeze and everything pops out. Dogshit was punished for having peculiar collecting tastes. Comes Alone was an obvious second choice as he had brought his dog to the circle. Diskless had been a dog in the manger by driving off home to have a shower without a thought for the six people who had parked all their worldly goods in the boot of his car. Block Window had asked him if he had had time for a bonk while he was there. Apparently not, as the divine Angie was doing something complicated on her computer at the time. “That’s okay,” said Dickless – “I’ll give her 64 megabytes of RAM later tonight.” Ripper suggested that after copious amounts of beer it would be more like a 3” floppy. Anyway, BW saved her major ire for Chastity Belt. While walking up a hill with CB and Stuffy, BW noted a rather fit specimen walking down with a trio of dogs. “If you want to walk, get a dog!” he called out in friendly fashion. “We’ve already got one!” chirruped an ungallant Chastity Belt, indicating BW. For this he was well and truly iced. But she deserves all she gets, as far as I’m concerned….)

Is it back to me now? … The Mystery Mystery Whip was a well-prepared Halfpenny, who had picked up a lot of peculiar uses of English in her sojourn in the Americas. In Brazil she had seen a sign which said: “If this is your first visit to Brazil, you're welcome to it.”  At a travel agent:” We send your bags in all directions.” At the zoo: “Do not feed the animals. Give suitable food to the attendants.” And more funny signs from the US. A restaurant: "Open seven days a week including Saturdays and Sundays.” At a school:  “No trespassing without permission.” On a highway: “If this sign is underwater, this road is impassable.” This was so that she could call in all the Septic Tanks – Big Hammer, Margo, Mark, Camel, Stash and Gypsy – and massacre our beer budget.

Nasty Wickless got his own back on me when it came to presenting the Prick. He said that when he was presented with it last week for being unable to get out of the drain I was maligning his butch masculinity. – Hey, don’t shoot the messenger – I was only faithfully transcribing what Jack Off said. It’s obviously get BW week as I got the Dick on Wednesday as well. I think I’ll just go and have a quick sulk now.

Indianus did a great job asking for people to sponsor a barrel or half barrel of beer for our 1000th run although she was rather trapped when Stash said he’d do a half if she would. I may not have this up to date, but sponsors include Beagles, Dirty Hacker. Coo Cho Coo, Bully and Big Hammer. Well done, lads! “Shall I put you down, Indy?” asked Stash. “I’m too young to be put down!” wailed Indy. “There’s nothing young about you, baby!” snarled the irrepressible Stash – another unchivalrous type who ended up on the ice. I think they do it on purpose…..

Frontarse called in Peanuts for hash showing off – wearing trainers with wheels. Some sort of symbiosis between running and rollerblading. I kid you not. He then had a few harsh words for Jason as he had turned up without ice stands or cups and wine drinkers would have been guzzling it straight out of the nozzle if not for Bugloss’s stash of cups in his car boot. He obviously has a very interesting private life….

And Coo Chi Coo had a technical complaint about some totally useless checking from Ditch – but since I never check I didn’t understand it. Sorry about that – you’ll just have to ask him.

On on to the Airfield Restaurant with an excellent turnout and jolly good makan. And well done to both hares, but especially to Mr. Magoo who gamely swept despite his gammy leg.

On On,

Black Widow

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