Run No. . 990

Date: 07 September 2001

Where: The British Club

Occasion:  Posh Duck’s Birthday

Hares: Posh Duck, Loose Change and Mark No Name

Members: 48

Guests:  21

- Returnees : 1

- Visitors : 3

- Virgins : 3

This was a severe case of deja-vu² or even deja-vu³ for those who caught Monday and Wednesday’s previews. Posh Duck decided to celebrate his birthday for the third time this week by sending the pack on a long bus trip to Old Holland Road and then enjoying hearing them curse their way round a now-lethally-worn, muddy, wooded trail with enough slippery mud slides and climbs to send everyone slip-sliding away. Lots of fun had by all as various athletic types kamikazied straight on their faces, bums etc – Big Hammer was particularly enthusiastic in this regard. I decided to forgo the long run-in along Binjai Park and leapt into Loose Change’s car at the earliest opportunity, as did Fanny Flasher, who’s obviously learning fast. 

Back to the British Club for much needed showers for the mud-bespattered crew and then it was circle time, with Frontarse in solitary control as Indianus was away in Australia - (If indeed she finally made the plane. Snigger – Ed.) Now that’s mean. I wasn’t going to mention the slight case of oversleeping…Anyway, he called the hares in, and ignoring some grouchy been-there, done-that comments, awarded it a Good Run. Posh Duck announced the on-on at the roof garden – very salubrious. 

Next week’s hares are Shoeless and Pitstop and the run is from the Queen’s Crescent car park, just off Queensway. Drink stop at the Colbar, maybe?

 Frontarse called in the virgins who were Henry, Siv and Ngoi – all friends of returnee Gecko. The visitors were Ball Buster, Annie and Betty. Betty complained bitterly about the amount of beer provided by the increasingly skinflinty Bagless and was rewarded with a rare full mug which she dispatched with gusto.

 And Frontarse called in Gecko and his interesting new hair for a welcome back drink after his recent nuptials.

 Time for the Mystery Whip, which was a whispering Jack Off. The GM helped her out by acting as a human megaphone. Her first charge was against Titmouse, who had gone, so Coo Chi Coo was the lookalike. (Fair enough. He’s the size of a mouse and he’s definitely a right tit – Ed.) Running to the railway station, Suzee Wong had screamed as she slipped down a bank. Titmouse looked panicky. “That sounds like Bo Peep!” he cried, with husbandly concern. Down down for not recognizing his wife’s scream. “That’s because he doesn’t make her scream very often,” suggested a leering CCC. Then she got Fanny Flasher for trying to do a short cut that finished in a dead end – silly enough – but also for getting a lift back from Loose Change. I kept my head down at this point. And finally, ‘cos she was feeling lonely without the other member of the Velcro Twins, she managed to call in Slocum, who almost became Nocum after he stepped on a branch and it reared up and clouted him in the goolies.

 The Mystery Mystery Whip was Speedy Tits. Stuffy uttered an ungallant “Oh no!” and was promptly iced for impertinence. She only had one charge. Her country’s king, Carl Gustav, was recently attacked by a mysterious pie thrower, which reminded her of her brother who used to do national service, when one of his duties was to protect the king. One hasher was similarly protective, running about warning all and sundry about the hornets. Steptoe was called in for this.

Not Tonight was the awarder of the Prick. She had been eying up all the men with big packets in their shorts and called the worst offenders into the circle – Impossible, Mark, Steptoe, and Ditch. We all looked at their – er – packets with interest, finally realising that she was referring to their bulging wallets. Sybil, having eons of experience in these matters, got to fondle all of them lasciviously to decide on the winner, who turned out to be Mark.

 AOB. First in was Loose Change who had a personal gripe about driving up and down the trail looking for the two back markers who were way behind just having a good natter. Hot To Trot and Peanuts were the offenders here.

 Then Sybil wanted to speak for a couple of hours. Everyone sat down. I sloped off for another beer. Beagles went to sleep. Sybil was disappointed because one of the hares had tried to discourage her before the run by saying how long it was going to be. The same hare then said she wasn’t going to sweep as she was having a swim. – This, of course, is an incredibly truncated summary but I think that’s the gist of it. Loose Change had obviously gone into a daydream, as she looked thoroughly bemused when she was announced as the culprit. “Can I have a translation please?” she asked.

 The next AOB was Pitstop, who explained that he used to be RA in Jakarta. After hearing his renditions I’m not surprised they’ve got turmoil in Indonesia. He rambled on for what seemed like days so I’ll cut it down. He got Double Back for slipping over and Mrs. Gecko for the same, although at least she landed on her husband. Then he got Loose Change for offering people a lift 500m from the end of the run. At this stage Frontarse, who had failed to get Mark a name earlier, thought he’d have another go. “What about Slip and Slide for Mrs. Gecko?” he asked. Coo Chi Coo, mind in the gutter as usual, suggested that Slip Inside might be more appropriate. This got howls of approval from the dirty-minded louts and Frontarse made a deft swerve to approve it. But he couldn’t stop Pitstop, who was in full flood. He continued to focus on Gecko and the newly named Slip Inside, whom he continued to name Slip and Slide despite the roars of correction from the crowd. His story was just about them offering him a lift up the hill, but he got her name wrong so many times that he got the down down instead. Coo Cho Coo yelled, “Can we change his name to Thick C#*t?” Personally, I just think he’s got the memory of a goldfish, - you know, going round and round in its bowl all day going ooh, this is new, ooh, this is new, ooh, this is new……

 More AOB from Mark. Firstly he reminded us that he’s done this run three times this week with Posh Duck and yet his co-hare still managed to get lost on the trail. Then he had some story concerning Coo Chi Coo but I never got to hear it as he resolutely pointed to the other end of the circle from where the wee one was standing.

 Frontarse had a charge for welcome returnee Footrot who had suddenly made an appearance. He couldn’t do the run as he has a bad back and was undergoing a two-hour Swedish massage. FA suggested that that sounded a lot more fun than hashing and invited Speedy Tits in to demonstrate a Swedish massage for us. Footrot looked eager to receive her attentions but Speedy tits just looked appalled and went all coy. Both got down downs with the last of the beer.

 Then it was upstairs to the on-on on the roof, which was all a bit up-market for the likes of us, what with candles and napkins and waiter service. Posh Duck came over all generous with the beer and it was a really good night, especially for the hardliners who ended up in the bar downstairs till the wee hours. Thanks to the hares all round.

Black Widow

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