Run No. 997

Date: 26 October 2001

Where: Segar Road, Bukit Batok Central

Occasion:  Everyone’s birthday but particularly Strapless’ big 5-0 today

Hares: TI Joe, Stash, Strapless, Slocum – the Scorpio boys

Members:  61

Guests:  ?????????????????????????????????????????

- Returnees :  2

- Visitors :  1

- Virgins : 1

Quite a feat actually finding the right multi-storey car park but worth it in the end. A very fine run in, we were told, uncharted and virgin territory that took us under the BKE and up to Mandai Quarry through old kampong tracks, lots of shiggy, bamboo stands and huge ferns arching overhead. With nary a road in sight, the run was a bit like the jungle scenes from “Jurassic Park” - except the only dinosaurs in sight were the old wrinklies tottering along at the back – and I count myself in that number, lest I annoy anyone’s tender sensibilities. Some benign help from sweeper TI Joe enabled the stragglers to actually get ahead of the pack, but by this time we were all blundering round the impenetrable jungle in near darkness – even Boo managed to lose track a couple of times. But then – voila! – we popped out of the jungle within sight of the car park and sprinted for the beer truck. There we were greeted with watermelon and great tee shirts courtesy of the hares.

Indy reminded the assembled circle that the last time a hash was here– the Harriets, it was – the circle was held on the top floor and we had a full police raid with about 20 boys in blue, five police cars and a couple of paddy wagons, all prepared to bust up an illegal assembly of sex-crazed Satanists – at least, that’s what some of the locals must have thought as they saw everyone stripping off, hosing themselves down, and then standing in a circle uttering strange chants and indulging in weird rituals. This also was in the days when men such as Touch My Stuff and Free Willy used to swan around in sarongs without shirts, so to the assembled gawkers in the nearby flats, with the parapet in the way, must have thought they were naked. This time, wisely, the circle was held on the grass outside the car park.

Indy called in the hares, but wanted to add her words of wisdom before asking for a vote on the run. And I quote: “Tonight was a run for walkers and runners!” Really? So bad luck all you lot on pogo sticks, roller blades and hang gliders – you’ll just have to wait till next time.

The walkers and runners were effusive in their praise and unanimous in declaring it a great run. Strapless announced the on on not a million miles from where we were last week. Well, actually, the same place – The Hakka Community Centre off Upper Bukit Timah Road.

Another couple of old farts hove in to announce next weeks run. That’s how they announced it, anyway. The Old Farts Run is set by Dirty Hacker, Mother Mary and guest hare Fluter and it’s on the East Coast.

Front arse called in the virgins, Angela, Steven, Nell and Prakash  - and welcomed them to the hash. “What did you think of the run?” he enquired. “Great run!” declared Prakash. “How would you know?” shot back our revered GM to the hapless virgin.

Meanwhile Indy was doing her fearless patrolling around the restive crowd and hauled in TI Joe to the ice for chattering. (I think she just wanted to see his bum. – Ed.) Possibly, but she was disappointed as TI Joe stayed modestly clad. Just as well, too, ‘cos he stayed on the ice for a long enough time to definitely freeze his assets.

While he was freezing away, Frontarse called in three visitors – Bungee from Sunshine hash, and Tambourine Man from Bangkok.

Fanny Flasher was spotted in garrulous mode (that’s talkative to you, CCC) and joined TI Joe on the ice. And no, she did not live up to her name, if that’s what you’re thinking, and I’m sure it is.

Frontarse had forgotten one of the visitors and called in Singapore Sue from Shanghai hash, where they are obviously really inventive when it come to name giving, since Singapore Sue comes from - well – Singapore.

Last week, if you remember, Stash took it upon himself to provide a run commentary in the circle. He obviously got the taste for it as this week he presented himself as the Hare Whip. He decided that in his very organised whip he would talk about three events from the beginning, middle, and end of the run.

He started off by bemoaning all the duties that hares have to do – recceing the run, laying it, arranging the on on, organising tee shirts etc. There is one more duty though – helping visitors, which really should be done by those who invited them. Fanny Flasher had invited her virgin friend Nell, knew that she was on her way, but sprinted off dead on six. Poor Nell arrived at two minutes past to find a deserted run site and only the actions of the hares helped her to catch up. Fanny Flasher had slid back into the crowd at this point and refused to sit on the ice again but still had to do a down down. TI Joe took this opportunity to go as well – but not for long.

Stash mentioned that the hares on the run also noticed the trundling figure of Barbarian short cutting his way to the front of the pack and then refusing to call. Barbarian protested mightily, but still got punished.

And at the end of the run Stash noticed Tight Arse living up to his name. Too cheap to install a shower in his car, Tight Arse was spotted contorting himself under a low level tap in the car park trying to sluice down. A well deserved down down.

The Mystery Whip was now called in and it turned out to be Barbarian. Burt he was having none of this here-come-de-grudge business.  He told the story of one of our number who joined a local running club – a real one – and tripped up while training. In the split second before she reached the ground – or as Barbarian put it, “Halfway between the upright and the vertical”, (Er? - Ed) decided if she used her hands to break her fall she would damage her beautifully manicured nails – so broke the fall with her lip instead. And in he dragged his significant other – Bushy. So now we all know he hasn’t been knocking her about, okay?

TI Joe was back on the ice again. “But I was talking French!” was his lame – and irrelevant - protest.

Barbarian continued. “Every week someone says something stupid on the hash…..” he began. “Yes,” chipped in Coo Chi Coo. “ Like - ‘halfway between the upright and the vertical’.” Barbarian fixed the wee one with a beady eye and continued. This week he had overheard someone complaining about the trail, “Oh my god, this is fucking overgrown!” Well, of course it bloody is, moron, that’s why we’re running here. Who was this idiot with an eye for stating the obvious? None other than the leprechaun CCC himself. (Everything’s overgrown to him! – Ed.) Now don’t mock the afflicted, it isn’t nice.

Ever mindful of  the nit-picking scribe sitting taking notes Indy decided to defuse things by agreeing that yes, there had been an interesting agenda change and would I kindly not point out the fuck-up. So I won’t.

So, totally on purpose and in the interests of originality, Indianus now welcomed the returnees. Bouncer and Pink and Tight came in for their down downs – finally.

Mystery Mystery Whip was Frontarse. He had a personal axe to grind. He was fucking angry, he yelled. They called this a Scorpio run and didn’t ask him to be involved. Stripping off his shirt to reveal a scorpion tattooed on his back, he demanded that Strapless go on the ice as a representative hare. He couldn’t fit any other hares on the ice as TI  Joe was still there, turning an interesting shade of blue. Other affronted Scorpios hove into the circle to heap opprobrium (insults, CCC) on the hares – Astronut and Dogshit. “I think we should piss on Strapless!” yelled the incensed GM. At this point CCC leapt into the proceeding, tugging at his zip. “I’m not a Scorpio – but can I join in?!” Oh the hilarity, the jolly japes. Anyway, all the hares got down downs as TI Joe slowly slipped into a coma.

Time for agenda fuck-up No. 2 as Indianus remembered that she had kept Titmouse hanging around the circle – a place he is rarely seen – for rather longer than necessary, since milestones normally go before the whipping stuff. So he was finally presented with his 100 runs tankard. Well, that’s what she said. Suddenly the voice of doom spoke from behind. What’s that you say, Bagels? It’s actually 200 runs? F.U No 3. Keep practising Indy, but don’t give up your day job. Titmouse chugged his down down and promptly disappeared.

Prick of the Week had disappeared with Forest Cunt. (see Run 994)

Frontarse took time to rub in Seletar’s humiliation on the football field by poncing about with the newly retained trophy – one of those completely tasteless, gaudy, plastic, gilt things with all sorts of curly bits, but what the hell – it’s ours. And in came the team for our applause – Slocum, Jack off, Tambourine Man, Strapless, Amy, B.A., Indianus, Stash, Halfpenny and Dogshit, who scored one of the goals, the other being scored by Strapless’s son Ruy. (Who scored the Seletar goal? – Ed) Who gives a shit? Tight Arse had to sit on the ice to represent Seletar’s humiliation.

Then it was a sad farewell to Halfpenny who’s off to Sydney and Rio. She’s a great hasher and whip and will be sorely missed, but like the proverbial bad one, no doubt she’ll be back.

Frontarse started off the AOB by calling in Barbarian for blasting through he checks and not calling at all, proving that the competitive spirit is alive and well on the hash.

Fanny Flasher spun a long and involved tale about the types of powder popular through the decades – powder blue was popular in the seventies, a certain type of refined powder was popular during the eighties – now another sort of powder that arrived in sealed envelopes is getting a lot of publicity. For adding to the powder frenzy, she called in Stash who must have used several kilos of the stuff setting the run – all right for us in the know but might give some passing civilian a bit of a worry.

Stuffy came in to ask people for help on the 1000th run with various organisational things. So if you’re coming but not running – so to speak – why not give the committee a hand and get an early start on the beer at the same time.

The long circle wound up with a mass photo for Halfpenny to take with her to her far flung parts of the globe and then it was off to get lost in Bukit Panjang on the way to the on on. Last time I tried to get out of that carpark I wandered around for what seemed like the best part of a decade, so this time I followed Astronut. A slight improvement, as after only a couple of interesting u-turns I finally made it and so did most of the rest – although whatever did happen to Footrot? A pretty raucous evening all round with every table contributing a couple of songs and the odd flying towel to liven things up a bit. And off to Anywhere yet again. Thanks to the hares for an excellent evening and a great tee shirt.

On on! 

Black Widow

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