Run No. 998

Date: 2 November 2001

Where: East Coast Parkway, Carpark F2

Occasion:  Fluter becomes a pensioner….

Hares: The Old Farts – Mother Mary, Dirty Hacker and Guest Fart Fluter

Members:  61

Guests: a teensy 12

- Returnees :  2

- Visitors :  1

- Virgins : 1

I don’t know where Desperation, Sybil and loads of others got to – a nearby coffee shop perhaps? Abducted by aliens? Anyway, although that group arrived back in 1hour 45 mins, most of us managed to negotiate the run - under the ECP, splash through some boggy bits, run around a bit on the other side, back under again, sprint for the beer wagon - in a more civilized time. And a super tee shirt, courtesy of birthday boy Fluter, awaited us at the end.

Indianus seemed somewhat flustered before the start of the circle, no doubt still suffering from her death defying, Tarzan-style tightrope walk across the early drain via a rotting tree trunk. Anything for attention. Anyway, she was seen racing around with the Prick of the Week round her neck and a beer bottle in her hand in such a tizzy that she tried to take a quick swig from the Prick. At least, she claimed it was just an error but maybe she was just practising for something. She finally got it together and called in the hares for the accolade of the circle, who promptly pronounced the trail as Run of the – er – Day. Mother Mary announced the on on at the Hua Yu Wee seafood place down the road.

Boo was far too interested laughing it up in his private party at this stage, leading the ever-vigilant Indianus to haul him onto the ice. Tight Arse crowed with delight. “Very talkative,” he kept repeating, once too often for Indy who brought him in to keep Boo company. Quite honestly, I’ve seen his arse rather too often, and Boo also showed his feelings by performing a rather dangerous manoeuvre and removing the ice stand as TA was on his way down – so down he plummeted to the tarmac. These Seletar boys! Subtle they ain’t.

Next Friday is the 999th run and hares Frontarse and Quicksand, attired in designer hare hats, came in to announce the venue at Upper Seletar Reservoir.

Frontarse welcomed a solitary virgin, Richard, who declared that he thought the run was “nice”. Not a word that’s often associated with the hash. And the Seletar boys were allowed off the ice.

There was one milestone this week. Frontarse called in Loose Change and asked for volunteers to help her into her 350 runs tee shirt. BA – persona non grata as far as Loose Change is concerned - was not allowed to apply. The ever-gallant SCC lurched into the fray and as the cry of “Off! Off!” went up. proceeded to get it wrong and stripped himself. Still, no-one wanted to see his torso – the ample charms of Loose Change’s superstructure seemed far more attractive to the drooling males present - and she shyly obliged, revealing a sexy little – well, not so little, actually – black bra. SCC and Frontarse lost all semblance of gallantry and started tossing the tee shirt around between them while Loose Change followed them round the circle and made ineffectual grabs at it. And the circle sang an ironic rendition of, “She’s a little flat chested but she’s all right”.

Straight on to the Mystery Whip – Mouthpiece. She complained that since she was at the back of the pack the whole time she had nothing much to report. And for this she blamed the hares, for instead of sweeping and providing lost souls like her with numerous short cuts, they were getting stuck into the beer back at the run site. She put them on the ice, although at their age they haven’t got much to freeze off any more. Fluter and Hacker did the ice stuff and Mother Mary sat on one knee from each.

She had one more charge, to Mandarin Lau, who had buggered off. Kiasu Lun was the lookalike. He was complaining that he is stiff every Saturday. So what’s wrong with that, Mouthpiece wanted to know. Some people don’t know when they’re well off.

The Mystery Mystery Whip was the avuncular and urbane Aye Aye. Firstly he called in Astronut. Now, this chap always looks well turned out, nice car, natty sports clothes, expensive trainers. But the cheap bastard does have a failing – with all this attention to detail how come he runs in his business socks? Down down for his sartorial solecism. (Have fun with that one, CCC.)

And if you’ve been reading the papers recently, you may have chuckled about the Malaysian couple who got locked in an embarrassing and compromising position and had to be carted  off to hospital on a single stretcher for surgical unlocking. Who do we have on the hash who are the most likely to need surgical removal to prise them apart? No prizes for guessing the Velcro Twins – Slocum and Jack Off came in for their inseparable down downs.

And Aye Aye had a charge for Gecko, lookalike SCC. Gecko used to be a captain of industry but then he lost his job and married a younger babe and this has obviously affected his brain. All geared up for the golf last week he fronted up to the ferry terminal only to find that like a wally he’d left his passport at home. Obviously his mind is now on other things.

Indianus kindly admitted to another procedural cock-up – she only does it to keep me amused, I’m quite sure. So she finally brought in our lone visiting hasher – Leech from Melbourne. She said she’d forgotten him ‘cos she considers Melbourne “south of the Mason-Dixon line”, proving that her knowledge of geography as about as good as her adherence to procedure. Anyway, Leech could shed no light on the provenance of his hash name. “I don’t know, I was pissed,” was his comment. Spoken like a true hasher, if you ask me.

Frontarse now came in to get a couple of people who thought they’d got away with their new shoes. Ditch had changed out of his but Andy’s were still in evidence so they drank out of those.

Now it all turns a bit soft porn and X-rated. Leech got placed on the ice for private partying and so did Desperation and Loose Change, who decided to do the lesbian bit as Loose Change mounted Desperation and made obscene wriggling movements on her lap. More, more, cried the slavering hordes as I turned my eyes away with a maidenly blush. Faker, never one to give anything a miss, attempted to join in for a bit of troilism. Look it up if you don’t know what it is, or better still, give it a go, you might enjoy it. Various guys were offering disgusting suggestions about what the girls could do to, or with, each other – it was all getting a bit steamy so the girls got down downs for the most perverted use of ice ever.

Indy was now trying to give the Prick away. Strapless had been seen asking his wife to test a log over a swampy area. Dutiful Amy did as she was told but then went straight through the log and fell in the water. Strapless apparently just laughed. Obviously this was worthy of the Prick of the Week award, but Indy decided she was going to give the big, black throbbing thing to Amy as Strapless is going into hospital for a minor op next week and she’ll need the company.

This seemed like a good time to give Amy a long awaited hash name, but there seemed to be no general consensus – at least, nothing the committee was going to approve. Next time, Amy.

And it was all over in the blink of an eye without even any AOB. One of the quickest circles ever and Bagless hardly broke into a sweat at the beer table.

And although it was a fairly small pack it seemed that everyone went to the on on, causing a bit of bother for the hares who had to hastily rearrange things and put on an extra table. Still, it all worked out well, there was great food and plenty of robust yo-ho-ho-ing from the assembly.

So see you all for the big 1000th celebrations next week, although I noticed quite a few of the usual suspects getting in down down training at the Rugby Sevens over the past weekend. Me? I was just there for the rugby, of course. (So who won, then? – Ed.) Oh, hi there. Thought you’d died. And I can answer that question – it was either Australia or New Zealand, so there!

On on!

Black Widow

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