Date:  Saturday, April 12^th, 2008

Run Site:  Ang Seng Kong Temple, Sengkang, Kulai, Johor, Malaysia

Hares:  Astronut, Peeking Ong & Strapless

The bus ride:  The bus from Singapore left at 1:30 p.m. SHARP.  Machine who was 15 minutes late still managed to get on.  After returning to Dempsey Road car park to pick up Twin Peaks, the bus left WITHOUT her…  again…  at 1:30 p.m. SHARP.

The run:  A heavy rain before the run insured cool, dust-free running conditions on earthen tracks through plantations.  The tracks were wide enough to accommodate the large number of runners.  It was a runner’s run with the long run well over 10 kilometers, and the short run as long as an average Lion City Long run.  No complaints!  The pack was kept together well and the first long runner in on paper (Tiger Lily) was back just after the bulk of the short runners in about 1 hour and 15 minutes. 

7:35 p.m. Lion City Grandmaster Armless and Lion City Grand Mistress Big Head try to call the circle of sitting bodies to order.  It had to be explained to over 100 people, Lion City members included, that we have a STANDING circle.  Armless made it clear that the only ones allowed to sit are the hashers that need wheelchairs, and then only if they did the long run!  This was just the beginning of a night of inter-hash quadracultural misunderstanding.  When a hasher named Baby realized that everyone had to stand up, he begrudgingly accepted it until he saw Croc O’Shit sitting on his fat ass taking notes.  “WHY CAN HE NOT STAND?”  More explanations as to the fact that in order to con anyone into scribing, Lion City has to let the person drink so much he CAN’T stand.  Remaining sitters were asked:  “What’s your disability?”, until everyone was standing and things could get underway.

Armless, an English as a Second Language student of culture recognized that circles are done differently from one Hash to the next.  He told everyone that there would be no ice.  Some short-skirted Lion City Members started to murmur…  “No ice?  How will we keep the beer cold?”  Other more experienced hashers thanked their lucky starts and felt less nervous about having forgotten clean underwear for after the run.  Armless also helped with some of the vocabulary for the evening.  “Piss off!” is a rough translation of “Fuck off!”  Also…  “There is a protocol!  Wait for Any Other Business to charge people!”  With a few of the basics mastered by all, things got underway.

The hares:  Astronut, Peeking Ong and Strapless were congratulated for their run.   Hasher Disco Singh was also brought in and thanked for a wonderful job as run Cunt-sultant.  Info about the on-on was given.  Most importantly, hashers were asked not to double park at the restaurant.  Armless explained that you can only have ONE beer in-hand while parking… NOT a DOUBLE.  GOOD RUN!

Harewhip:  No harewhip?!  SHAME!

Lion City Grand-Mistress Big Head called all of the Quad Grand Masters into the circle for a down-down.  It was momentous!

Mystery Whip:  The Canadians who didn’t provide a hare whip did their trademark entering the circle before the mystery whip!  But then….   Cock Radio entered the circle and told Mad Chinaman Boo to shut his mouth and join him.  Hashers in several countries know the rule:  “Don’t follow Boo!”  After front running with 7 or 8 others, Cock Radio crossed a stream, waded through mud, scaled a cliff and bashed through tiger infested bush just to be called back by Boo who for once found the real trail!  Give him a note!  Next, Cock Radio called in Origami who before the run was “warming up” by sitting in an air-conditioned car reading Women’s Day magazine while others were stretching.  Women’s Day is not on the hashers’ recommended reading list!  Give her a note!  Cock Radio noticed that there were others warming up before the run by playing a team sport that involved kicking a wicker ball around a circle.  As in all team sports, your team is only as good as its weakest link.  Kannot Kan was brought in and made to drink for being the weakest link.  Not only couldn’t he kick the ball well, but it kept coming to him while other, more talented players watched helplessly by his side.  Give him a note!  After discussing warm ups, Cock Radio decided to get onto another topic.  One for which he needed a Malaysian couple for demonstration purposes.  After chasing the all male couple of Ichibawasan and his man-lover out of the circle, Bobby Or and Dominator were brought in.  Now, as often happens when there is a relationship, lawyers were needed.  On in Boo and Loudspeaker.  The subject of legal debate:  “A Malaysian women was suing her husband for having taken her virginity.  Who is at fault?  What are the damages to be awarded?  Loudspeaker defended his male client by stating that a service was provided, therefore payment in the form of virginity had to be made.  Boo, stunned by the knowledge that Dominator was no longer a virgin, was left momentarily speechless.  Cock Radio took advantage of this rare moment to shoo him out of the circle.  Cock Radio left the circle laughing…  but would be back…

During the changing of the whips, Armless made an announcement:  “Hoooze shots is zees wons hee ah?”  Someone had washed and forgotten their shorts.  They were placed on display on top of the trash bin in the center of the circle for someone who forgot them.  Strangely enough, no one stepped forward to claim them.  Next, a representative from the Kulai HHH chapter was brought in an given a down-down for environmental terrorism.  You see, Kulai HHH uses paper attached to trees to mark their trail.  Some of it was seen on tonight’s run, and the only way to pick it up is to rip off the leaf!  SHAME!  Give him a note!

Mystery-Mystery Whip:  Ugly Bum started her whipping by charging Boo and Ichibawasan, hashers notorious for not calling on-on, for finally deciding to call by yelling:  “Ugly Bum!”  They ought to be publicly pissed on!  Ugly Bum then decided to go into the political problems that surround us all.  Just as she was about to get into the intricacies of the Malaysian economy, some old, dumb, drunk fuck (I think that was his hash name) interrupted the circle claiming to be angry the Armless put someone’s shorts in the trash. This breech of protocol and respect was overlooked thanks to the spirit of advancing cultural understanding among hashers, and Ugly Bum continued.  Where was she…?  Oh yes!  The economy!  On the way to this night’s run, Ugly Bum noticed the huge amount of tolls that had to be paid just for the pleasure of hashing in Johor.  That wasn’t the real problem.  The REAL problem, as it often is, was her husband AdNauseum who decided that he would use the smartcard lane to go through the toll booth.  It turned out that he had no smartcard.  Did he have a dumbcard?  After a 17 point turn, several minutes of angry honking of car horns, and cutting across 4 lanes to the cash booth, AdNauseum decided to pay with the stock of $1 Malaysian coins that he’d been collecting for years.  He picked a hell of a time to learn that they are no longer accepted nor used in Malaysia.  The down-down went to Boo who advised them to bring cash!  Ugly Bum’s next problem wasn’t with the run which she rated a 9.5 out of 10.  No, her problem was with the wingers on the run complaining about how low the rubber tree branches were and how they made this hasher stoop.  He went on and on about how rubber is obsolete and how he hadn’t needed rubber for years.  In fact, on his last visit to Thailand he had had plenty of fun without any rubber involved at all.  His young companion was stroking his willy post coitous which though not unpleasant, puzzled this hasher.  When he asked the young Thai why she was doing that, she replied:  “Because I miss mine.”  Give Bully a note!  Ugly Bum was glad that all four chapters could get together and share experiences.  Politics varies from country to country, but hashing is a common denominator.  Take the USA for example.  The Americans are so concerned about political correctness that even their molesters must be equal opportunity perverts.  On in Virginia Slim for trying to slip it to rubber hating Bully while on the run!

Any Other Business:

Tanjong Petri took over the circle and brought in ice.  The short-skirted, Lion City Members who had previously been concerned about the temperature of their beer, watched in wonderment as the stools of ice were assembled.  Armless was the first one brought in.  Admiral Cheng Ho helped change Armless’ bratwurst to breakfast link.

Loudspeaker entered and demanded “Hash Hush!”, warning that anyone talking out of turn would spend an hour sitting on ice.

Disco Singh called in Press Once, the man who started the Quad run 21 years ago.  He put him on ice for the giveaway of 1997 which wasn’t a t-shirt, but more of a purse/jockstrap.  Disco Singh related that he had almost thrown the thing away several times, but always ended up keeping it because it reminded him what a stupid nincompoop Press Once was.  21 Years and Barely Legal!  Disco Singh stated that the Quad run must continue!

I Fuck Soon called in Jaya Botak who due to the convenience of living close to the run site ended up arriving late.  He didn’t get a t-shirt!  Give tardy boy a note!

Seletar Whip Lipstick on my Foreskin entered the circle and put Mad Chinaman Boo on ice.  I can’t remember why, but we all know there was a good reason!  Next, he called the the desecraters of the Holy water.  Cock Radio, Circle Jerk and Eleven were brought in and punished for violating local law and actually allowing their bodies to enter the washing well.  This was no laughing matter and the offenders were abused.  However, as “hosts” of the quad run our culturally insensitive members graciously tolerated not being tolerated and in spite of efforts by some, further violence was avoided.

At this point, a rescue party was being formed for Phoney Dick who still hadn’t made it back from the run.

Goody Bag was brought in and taught how to properly strattle ice.  She had been overheard saying:  “I’m Malaysian, but NOT from J.B!”, as if being from J.B. were so bad!  Not only that, but she claimed to be from two different places!  How can la?!

Armless was brought back in and put on ice.  And why shouldn’t he have been?!

Smelly Fish Head entered the circle and announced that J.B. Hash would be celebrating their 40^th year of hashing on June 7^th.  We’re all invited.  Just don’t swim in the well!

Guay Paws came in and said:  “The Quad run must continue!”  He then explained that Chinamen are short with long dicks and Gwai Los were tall with short dicks.  I repeat:  “Don’t swim in the well!”

Big Head was punished for letting her hares litter the run site with their shredded paper.  When she asked why she was on ice, and not the hares in questions, the response was:  “Because they’re not wearing a g-string!  You are!” 

Phoney Dick returned safe and sound.  We all breathed a sigh of relief.

Cock Radio and Circle Jerk were brought back into the circle one last time and told that they had broken the law and would be required to donate $300 to the temple.   Not to beat a dead horse, but…   “Don’t swim in the well!”  And with the wrap up of four chapters of cultural misunderstanding, the circle closed.

On-On highlights:  Seletar won the boat race but Lion City put in a good showing.  The food was great, and no one double parked.  Impossible was almost left behind when the bus pulled out.  He was in the toilet carefully tucking in his polo shirt when the announcement to leave was made.  The question remains…  What WAS the animal in the soup?

Scribe:  Croc O’Shit

Epilogue:  The following day, Cock Radio was miraculously cured of his trademark limp.  Circle Jerk’s resting heart rate suddenly changed from 65 to 40 beats per minute.  Eleven’s hair grew 4 centimeters and she no longer needed her eye glasses.  None, I repeat none of them experienced a hangover.  I repeat:  “Don’t swim in the well!”

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